Our church band is just two ladies on percussion...
It’s quite the CoNunDrum
What’s the opposite of Himalayan salt?
Herastandin pepper.
What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
What do Ghosts suffer from? Saturday fright fever.
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
When should you take a cookie to the doctor? When it feels crummy. What do the cookie and the computer have in common? They both have chips.
Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?
She wanted to lay it on the line.
Crowing, crowing, gone.
What did the LEFT Stereo Speaker say to the RIGHT, as he was being taken away for repairs
AUDIOS!
Hello, allow me to hi-Jack this conversation
Why did the girl pour glue into her fishbowl?
She wanted to make a fish stick!
Why did the beaver cross the river? To get to the other side of the river.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.
But I broke it off.
In an attempt to deter computer hackers I've changed all my passwords to 'Brazil Nut'
That will be a hard one to crack.
What is a cat’s favorite piece of artwork? The paw-trait of Meowna Lisa.
“A party without a cake is really just a meeting.”
― Julia Child
Most people have off on Independence Day. Except fire.
Fire-works on 4th of July.
You know, it's not the length of the vector that counts. It's how you apply the force.
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around eventually.
What should someone do if they are stuck between a jaguar and a tiger? Simple, just take the Jaguar and drive away from the tiger.
Where do dinosaurs get their mail ? At the dead-letter office!
Where in the World Can You Find the Highest Concentration of Engineers?
Antarctica! Because that's where all the P. Enguins are!
Two hot dogs were having a race. One overtook the other, who called out “I see you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup with me!”
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Why are owls so good at math?
They excel at owlgebra.
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
Are you a mosquito? ‘Cause I’m a sucker for you.
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
What is a baby sasquatch's favorite toy?
His Yeti Bear!
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
Did you hear about the elf who was a little hard of hearing?
She had to keep saying "Sleigh, what?"
"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend."
"With who?"
"Mike."
"Since when is Mike your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
What do zombies call a battle between classical music composers where one of them loses their mind?
A de-Bach-le.
What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday?
It’s roar birthday!
What did one horse say to the other after he said he wanted to drop out?
That’s an equestionable decision.
The veggie lover was a total stalk-er.
What do you call two pears?
A pair.
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
How is bacon like southern Europe?
It's got a lot of Greece in it.
May I tie your shoe?
Because I can't have you fall for anyone else.
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