Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Kevin Bacon
Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them has a watch.
"What time do you think it is?" one of them asks the other.
"Just make a ton of noise," says the other.
The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyway. After a few seconds of screaming, a light turns on in another yard and a neighbor yells, "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
I always like to keep my place stocked with coffee and breakfast food in case I don't wake up alone.
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.
What was the worm doing in the cornfield?
He was going in one ear and out the other!
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
Two tiny tigers take two taxis to town.
What kind of money do elves use?
Cold cash!
Took a tour of Pisa, Italy...
Tour guide said “Hello, my name is Eileen.”
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.
My wife and I have been having trouble communicating. We decided to take a walk when we passed a farm. She said "awww, babe look at the sheep."
"No, ewe." I said.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
Where will Kim Jong-un’s ashes be stored?
In a Kim Jong-urn
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
What do you call a large colorful pile of leaves?
The Great Barrier Leaf.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell.
Are you a 30 degree angle? Because you're acute-y.
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
What type of cat lives under the sea? A purr-maid.
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
Witches always fly on broomsticks because they want to make a clean getaway.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
Soft fruits make really supportive parents. Whenever their youngsters fail at something, they just smile and say “Have another bite at the cherry.”
Why is the world so diverse?
Because it contains alkynes of people.
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
You’re the tater to my tot. I miss you a lot!
Got a cow helping me cut the grass. He's a lawn mooer.
What do you say you poke-check me real quick?
Why did the skier from Helsinki dominate the downhill slalom competition?
He led the race from start to Finnish.
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
You met all of my koala-fications
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
"I wish I could say you were the most special person in the world, but you're not."
I replaced the milk in the carton with lemon juice. Everyone was really sour about it.
What praise did a bat’s friend deserve? A bat on the back.
What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.
What's a pickle's favorite book?
To Dill A Mockingbird.
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
To catch a polar bear you surround a hole in the ice with peas
Then, when he goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
A man struggled to cut up his dinner. His wife asked, “what’s wrong, hunny?” The man sighed, and said:
“This knife just isn’t gonna cut it.”
Why do you think is the moon bald? Because it has no ‘air.
What kind of tree does a chicken come from?
A poul-tree.
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