Can you do sign language?
I wish I knew how to sign because I don't think any spoken words can describe how beautiful you are.
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
What’s worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A centipede with athlete’s foot.
Rock was magma before it was cool.
What kind of dinosaur works for the police? A trisara-cop.
What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.
How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
I was watching a chess champion vs a boxing champion match.
The chess player had a mean right rook!
Wife: "I'm pregnant."
Me: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad."
Wife: "No you're not."
Why did the optimistic electrician lose his job?
He kept on turning negatives into positives.
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
Did you hear the one about the pianist convention?
They had a few keynote speakers
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
You hear that? The ocean wants you to join me for a drink.
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
Why didn't the ghost dance at the party? He had no body to dance with.
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
Though it sounds mean, a bad soccer team is much like an old bra. It has no cups and minimal support.
Water you doing, my friend?
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
How does one astronaut on the moon tell another astronaut that he is sorry?
He apollo-gises.
I think I'm going to remove my spine.
It's only holding me back.
Good bowlers always keep their minds out of the gutter.
Did you hear about the keyboard that lost it's Period Key?
He was missing the point.
"Adulting makes me wine."
Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung
They were building a meat tower next door.
The steaks just kept getting higher.
There are so many forms of martial arts, it’s hard to keep track of.
Kind of.. Kung Fusing
I have a flamingo friend who has a fantastic imagination, but they are always indulging in flights of fancy.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.
How do ghosts stay fit? By exorcising daily.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?
It's almost like they do it on porpoise.
What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig?
A boar constrictor.
I wish I was one of your tears, so I could be born in your eyes, run down your cheek, and die on your lips.
What do you call a Tyrannosaurus under stress?
A nervous rex.
Why is Pavlov's hair so soft?
Because he conditions it.
As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?
And then I check with the school to find out.
Why are houseflies great at arithmetics? Because they multiply really fast.
What did the electrician use to moisturise his hair?
Air conditioner.
What did the farmer yell out when ducks invaded his dairy farm? Cheese and crackers!
Can you hold my gloves for me? I usually wear them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.
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