What do rabbits put in their computers? Hoppy disks!
What does a priest put on his salad?
Lettuce spray.
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
Are you a sweet honeybee? Because you have stung me in the heart
A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"
Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
Because it was over 90 degrees.
Wow, you're so cool in this hot weather that my freezer is jealous of you.
Let me plant one on ya!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Jess.
Jess who?
Jess let me in.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
What comes out of your nose at 200 mph?
Lambogreeny.
Which position does the son of Dracula play on the baseball team?
Bat boy.
What is a flower’s favorite Journey song?
Don’t stop be-leafing.
When you cross a magician and an airplane, the result is a flying sorcerer.
Hey, I just got my flight number. I'm just missing your phone number.
What did the priest say before he and his family ate their salad?
Lettuce pray.
More candles means a bigger wish!
Who holds sermons during Sunday in Italy?
The Pasta.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
Now I have Heinzsight.
Hassock hassock, black spotted hassock. Black spot on a black back of a black spotted hassock.
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
Q: What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
A: I hear the doctor is taking us out tonight!
Many mumbling mice are making merry music in the moonlight.
You’re brew-tiful!
Q: Why did the tiger eat the lamp?
A: He wanted a light lunch.
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
What did the snail say as he slipped down the wall? How slime flies!
Feeling my shelf.
Q. What haapens if a gorilla sits on your piano?
A. You get a flat note.
Did you hear the plum joke? A: It was pitiful.
Let's Taco about love.
I heard kissing is the language of love so...
Do you wanna start a conversation?
How do you drown a blonde? Tape a mirror to the bottom of a pool.
Why was the slice of bread upset with her husband?
He told her she was being too kneady.
"If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard."
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
What is a cow's favorite lunch meat? Bullogna
Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
I have pea soup for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. That’s why I pea soup all night!
Are you a bowl of Lucky Charms? Because you appear to be magically delectable!
What do you call a group of guys waiting to get their hair cut?
A Barbecue.
What did the ghost who crashed the Halloween party say? - I’m here for the boos!
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
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