The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
What do you call a fight between squirrels?
A squarrel
Are you a unicorn cause you are my fantasy.
Are you a compound of beryllium and barium? Because you’re a total BaBe.
Why did the two 4's skip lunch? They already 8 (ate).
The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.
What does a Saudi bee call its bros?
Habibees.
I should change my name to Billy and get a job as a radio show presenter.
Then I can finally be a Billy-on-air.
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
What does a deer do when it gets to its friend’s house?
Rings the deer bell.
“‘Snow in April is abominable,’ said Anne. ‘Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.’” — L.M. Montgomery
Once upon a time I was accidentally made a priest.
It was a clerical error.
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
My sinks been on deaths door for the past week or so...
I finally decided to pull the plug.
Thank brew very much.
What currency do fruit use to make purchases?
Banana bread!
I caught my friend harassing some electricity. I told him it was an abuse of power.”
Which day do fish hate the most?
Fry-day.
Did you hear about the man who had nothing else to do so drilled into his own head?
He was bored to death.
What did the kitten say after a disaster? That was cat-astrophic
What do you call a cat that is scared of small spaces? Clawstrophobic!
Why don't potatoes go to parties?
They're scared of the Monster Mash.
What’s a shark favorite substance?
Reefer.
What is a golfer’s worst nightmare?
The Bogeyman.
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
Car puns are really tiring
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
(On a rainy day) I figured out why the sky was grey today...all the blue is in your eyes.
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
A female sheep and a couple of aggressive birds are sitting on the veranda. What language do they speak?
Porchewegeese.
I keep thinking I'll make breakfast pancakes, but I end up waffling.
What does a mosquito say to greet his girlfriend?
"M'laria."
What do you call the generation of people that migrated from Italy?
Genitalia.
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
A monkfish.
I dropped my computer on my foot.
It mega-hurts.
If you were a jack-o'-lantern, I'd totally light your candle.
It may just be a stage I'm going through, but I sure do love the trapdoors on set.
How does the Cheese Detective choose his clients?
On a queso by queso basis.
Local restaurant has kangaroo loin and it’s actually pretty good
It’s been awhile since I had it, but I remember it being a little jumpy and has a kick.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
Seven sleazy shysters in sharkskin suits sold sheared sealskins to seasick sailors.
The sun replies: I hurt everyone when they come close to me.
Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?
Did you hear about the artist that has been drawing very small, colorful noodles?
He drew an itsy, bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow, polka dot linguini.
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
What's an egg's favorite tree?
A y-oak tree.
What's the best time of year to see gorillas in the wild? Ape-ril.
He says to the doctor, "Help me Doc, what's the matter with me?"
The doctor replies, "That's easy. You're not eating properly."
Sorry for not calling sooner, I was budy complaining to Spotify for not naming you the year's hottest single.
Where does a neuron keep its money?
In a brain bank.
What is your mouth’s favorite exercise?
Burpees.
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