When the cats and the bats are about
Many witches are near, no doubt
If one is in sight
And you're filled with fright
Don't worry - just yell out a shout.

Who do fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales.

The ocean doesn't like to say hello, it just waves.

Why did the bicycle go to bed early?
Because it was two-tyred

Are you Darth Vader, because I wouldn't mind if you used a little force to choke me.

When does a turkey go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!

Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets

The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside outside his inside inn.

Why is the taste of moon rock better than that of Earth rock? Because it’s a little meteor.

How do you hold a bat?
By the wings.

"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama

How did the shark plead in the murder case?
Not gill-ty.

An Iranian entrepreneur opened a copy shop.
It's called *Prints of Persia*.

Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.

How about we drop the gloves and go at it?

Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.

“I cannot go to school today,"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
“I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I’m going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I’ve counted sixteen chicken pox
And there’s one more--that’s seventeen,
And don’t you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut--my eyes are blue--
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I’m sure that my left leg is broke--
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button’s caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle’s sprained,
My ‘pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb.
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow’s bent, my spine ain’t straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangn

What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X

There was a rebellious lightning bolt who ended up in juvenile hall.
His parents grounded him so he struck them.

There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.

Q: What’s a tiger’s favorite color?
A: Roar-range.

I’d like to throw away my old can, but my pusher friend here says he loves junk balls.

What do you call a group of crows eating a box of corn flakes?
A cereal murder.

What sound does a llama’s doorbell make?
Llama llama ding dong.

“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert

"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay

Seas the day!

I am lucky we are hiking together this evening.

"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch

The toilets at an AMF are known as the boweling alleys.

Has Spotify contacted you yet? Because you are the hottest single in this club.

Is your name Scarlett? Because when I saw you my heart was gone with the wind.

“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
Jay Leno

I was talking to a barn owl last night, when I mentioned that I'd just got engaged.
He said, "You twit! To who?"

The young woman decided to become a professional baker. She realized that it could help her earn her bread and butter.

Where do phones like to travel?
To the Great Call of China!

How do you cut the sea in half? With a see saw!

Why don’t cows drink artificial milk? It’s too pow-dairy.

277 lbs here on Earth is 105 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just on the wrong planet.

If I get hooked on you, will you hook up with me?

Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.

Honey, do you like water? That means you already like 80% of me.

How heavy is a rainbow? It's actually pretty light.

What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!

I like my wine sweet and my humor dry.

What’s a bats favorite desert?
I-Scream!

Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.

What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.

I think there’s something wrong with my eye. I can’t take them off of you.

What pickup line did the flower use on Tinder?
Are you a DAMNdelion?