My bag of fruit snacks had all grapes
Today’s gonna be a grape day!
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
All prominent werewolf movies are produced in howl-lywood.
Do you like bananas or blueberries?
I want to know what kind of pancakes to make in the morning.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Alfie
Alfie who?
Alfie terrible if you leave!
There was a rebellious lightning bolt who ended up in juvenile hall.
His parents grounded him so he struck them.
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
One of my ancestors was once hired by Henry VIII to teach his son to play the trumpet
He was a Tudor tooter tutor.
What kind of lunch do moms never prepare in the morning?
Their own.
What food did the Gorilla order when he went to France?
Ape Suzettes.
Why was fog kicked off the football team? He mist a field goal.
What became of the pig who got fired from his job? He became canned ham.
The fact that I've met you shows that God loves me.
The success in this sport is not how you bowl, but how you roll.
I love walking my neighbor’s dog. It’s the leashed I can do.
I like playing chess with old people in the park, but it gets hard to find 32 of them each time.
Affogato? Afforgeto where I am when I'm with you.
“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental facility.”
— Unknown
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
Who wrote the book "Great Egg-spectations"?
Charles Chickens.
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
The computer said my password needed at least eight characters and at least one number, so I changed it to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
How do you impregnate a submarine?
Fill it with seamen.
She has high elf-esteem.
Q: Which U.S. state do tigers like the most?
A: Maine.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SpongeBob SquarePants!
What do you call a deer in a storm?
A raindeer
Which mammal absolutely loves Merlot and Cabernet?
The Wineoceros.
I was surprised at the number of onions needed for this dish- it calls for shallot of onions.
Sorry, but you owe me a drink. Why? Because when I looked at you, I dropped mine.
I imagined I saw a rainbow but it must have been a pigment of our imagination.
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
Did you hear about the guy who had an addiction to cheddar cheese?
It was only mild.
Hey girl, do you ref during the playoffs? Cause you look like you can swallow a whistle.
Theres a party in my pants and your invited.
What does a cat lady say on Friday night?
I am drinking wine and feline fine!
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What do you call a pear who plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity.
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
What did the baby computer call its father?
Data.
What do you call a person with a peg nose acting suspicious?
Suspeg.
Wine if you must. It’s not good to bottle up your emotions.
I can't drink milk. I lactose genes required to digest it.
Why did the volleyball player get thrown out of the party? He spiked the punch.
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
– Steven Wright
When you come across a werewolf with no legs, how do you call it? Call it anything because it cannot chase you!
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