An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.
In case of not being,
able to count up to seven,
you can use your fingers.
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
What do you call a guy with an ear fetish.
Hard for hearing.
What did the young Toyota say to his mother when she asked what he wanted for dinner?
Taco ma
Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
The two of us go perfectly together like hydrogen and oxygen.
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
Adam? More like ahh-damn.
Why do cheeses make bad musicians?
They’re always sharp.
If trees could kill you, they wood.
It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
What do you call a frog hanging from the ceiling at Christmas?
Mistletoad.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
What do you call a guy that hands out free kebabs to the hungry?
A Döner.
The vampires were in a mood, so I thought I'd do something to cheer them up. They were over the moon that I re-vamped their castle.
Love me till ice cream.
What do you call a gathering of Arthur's Knights?
A Sir conference
Did you hear about the Wi-Fi wedding?
The ceremony was awful, but the reception was great!
Professor: "What's a hydraulic ram used for?" "It's where you get steel wool!"
A couple decades ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
What does a bee do when it is extremely hot?
It takes off its yellow jacket!
My banana grandad got in an accident last year, he bruised like a peach!
What do you call a hat for the brain?
A thinking cap.
Why do fish not like computers?
Because they are worried about getting caught in the Inter-net.
What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”
What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday?
Fangs-giving.
What did the bacteria say to the bee to cheer it up?
Gram positive
There was an exotic pet race to take place.
Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"
The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:
"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."
It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!
What did the deer tell his buddy before he took a test?
“Good buck!”
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
Who were the original transformers? Vampire bats!
Why did the boy eat his homework? Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!
Baby flamingos really are badly behaved. I think it’s because their parents never put their foot down.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
As long as your dog sticks by your side.
Anything is paw-sible.
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
What name does Santa Claus use when he takes a break from delivering gifts? Santa Pause!
The fact that we were asked to leave our beautiful purple color house by the owner is still purplexing for me.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
My brother turned into a vegetable.
I guess now he has fryngers and potatoes.
What is the same shape and size as a sequoia tree, but weighs nothing at all? The tree’s shadow.
You look pretty cool, I hope you don’t lead me Jack to square one
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