What do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry?
A hoppercraft.
What is a car’s preferred TV program?
The Driving Dead.
It’s so cold pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.
Here's to a big opening weekend.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
All my neighbours bought the same set of stereos...
When will they stop stereotyping?
Why did the deer go to the spa?
“To doe off some steam!”
Why did the mouse stay inside? Because it was raining cats and dogs.
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
Did you hear the terrible rumor about the volleyball player? That’s what she set!
You know what it's called when you hurry to develop a vaccine?
... Russian.
Why did the werewolf need to talk with the skeleton?
He had a bone to pick with him.
What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
PRIME-mates.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
What is the maggot army called? The Apple Corps.
Electric razors are the best thing since sliced beard.
You better beer-live it!
How excited was the gardener about spring?
So excited he wet his plants.
Did you know that old bowlers do not die? They simply end up in gutters.
The worst thing about living next door to a good gardener is that the grass is always greener on the other side.
The bread did not believe that he could work at his job much longer. He was feeling too crusty.
I really like guitars
They just strike a chord with me.
Hey Cameron, did you know your name was an anagram for romance?
What has more lives than a cat?
A frog because it croaks every night.
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
It’s never great taking a truck driver to the cinema to watch a film. They only really like the trailers.
Why did the penguin enter the theatre?
He wanted to go into snow business
Why can’t a rooster ever get rich?
Because he works for chicken feed.
What do you call a talking kangaroo?
A quantum leap.
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
I would love to live in Yorkshire, because it Leeds me to your heart.
Roses are red,
But violets aren’t blue,
They’re purple, you dope,
Now go get a clue.
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.
Why did the leaf go to the doctor? It was feeling green!
Hey Cinderella, must be time I took you home. It’s nearly midnight!
What do worms leave round their baths?
The scum of the earth!
Are you the 4th of July? 'Cause I'm feeling fireworks between us.
If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,
Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
What is a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?
Strawberries.
What do you call a cloud that looks like a mermaid?
Aerial.
Which is the longest word in the dictionary? "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!
Q. Which kind of deer has a serious drinking problem?
A. The elk-oholic.
I bet you are the earth and I am the sun because you become hotter as we get closer.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
Afraid he wouldn’t get into college the skeleton spent the weekend boning up on algebra.
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
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