What wisdom did the daddy cheese pass down to his son?
A curd in the hand is worth two in the bush.
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
What's a pun's best trait?
His pun-ctuality!
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
Filming in cemetery angers residents - The Evening Standard
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
What do we get when we cross a pineapple and a pig? We have a porky – pine!
What kind of ice cream does Dracula eat?
Veinilla.
What do you call an elephant that’s never clean?
A smelly-phant.
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
Girl I just gotta get you. Call it animal instinct.
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
Unknown
Werewolves keep their spare things in a were-house.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a cow?
A kanga-moo.
Where do electricians get their supplies? The Ohm Depot.
How do you spot a car made by Apple?
It does not have Windows.
Do you know where I store all my dad jokes?
In a dad-a--base
Mushroom puns are the best for any occasion. They are very portabella.
My peach friend shaved for the first time the other day, he looks like a nectarine!
Do you know why the beaver was found guilty?
Because the prosecutor had damming evidence.
Why do bee keepers have beautiful eyes?
Because they hold bees. (Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder)
In spite of all restrictions because of Covid, diplomats are allowed to travel freely across countries.
Because they have immunity.
What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak?
Morse toad.
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
Why did the girl walk into the ice cream store with an umbrella?
She heard there were going to be sprinkles
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
What do tigers sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells! Jungle bells!
Whichever gator stole all the food, we'll catch the crook-a-dile.
Hey girl, are you a cell phone? Because I just want to look at you all night long.
Have you heard about the Italian Bigfoot?
The spag-yeti.
Why is the French Prime Minister never seen in the morning?
Becasue he is pm not am!
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
Your good weed for the day.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Q: What do you call a really violent fruit?
A: A peach breaker
She acts like summer and walks like rain.
What do you call an onion who decides to be very eco-friendly in its approach? You name it a green onion.
Why are math books so darn depressing?
They’re literally filled with problems.
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
I take it that you are the captain of the sun.
My game is just like Alexander Keith's: "Those who like it, like it a lot."
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing? Au revoir.
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