Who is the most famous skeleton detective?
Sherlock Bones.
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath. She wasn't content.
I'm so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
What do you call a rabbit that has fleas?
Bugs bunny.
Why will you not want to give a bath to the Saturn? It would then leave a ring around the tub.
What do you call a spider with ten eyes?
A spiiiiiiiiiider.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
What did the weather reporter say to his wife?
“I hope it doesn’t rain, deer!”
I don’t know your name, but I’m sure it’s as beautiful as you are.
A wolfswagon rabbit is by far the best car you can gift a wolf.
I chucked my phone into a very deep lake.
Somehow it's still syncing.
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a person who makes pots?
Harry Potter
Why wasn't King Kong able to climb to the top of the Empire State Building?
He couldn't quite fit in the elevator.
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane chocolate
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
Then it Dawned on me.
What do cell phones order at dinner?
Apps.
Permission to board?
Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.
Q. Who walks around the suburbs trying to sell venison meat?
A. A deer-to-door salesmant.
Was the koala able to complete the grueling 26-mile marathon? Bearly.
I know you’ve turned me down before, but I’m asking for an extra shot.
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat? 'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!
What does a deer call a hunter?
“Doe foes.”
What does a bankrupt frog say?
Baroke, baroke, baroke.
Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
A strawberry screamed at the other, "Were it not that ripe, we wouldn't have ended up in this jam."
Why aren't high school twins afraid of getting mono?
Because they get stereo instead!
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
Why did the cosmonaut take his dog to the vet?
He came down with a stellar case of lunar tics.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
Why did the mummy get a divorce?
His wife was a ghoul-digger who was just after his mummy.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
Why do Santa’s helpers go to therapy?
To help their elf esteem.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
I know why Solomon had 600 wives, because he never found you.
Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...
Witherspoon?
No, with a knife.
"Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup."
— Henry James
It’s so hot I discovered my seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers!
Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?
He went to prison for Oolong time.
When one tree asked another how it was doing in November, it replied, "I am pine!"
What do you call a rock that never goes to school?
A skipping stone!
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