Did you hear about the Elf booted from the chorus?
He couldn't Fa-la-la-la-long.
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
What do you call a Triceratops who scores his first goal? Dino- score!
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
A guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines so I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
The sound of my bones really cracks me up.
Woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
That plumber has some sense of humour.
The instructions on this stick deodorant said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I can hardly walk!
I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
Wanna go back to my igloo and cuddle?
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
Why do youngsters like pelvic bones so much?
Because they're hip.
I've seen a meteor shower,
but never seen a meteor take a bath.
It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.
"What do tofu and a dildo have in common?" "They are both meat substitutes!"
Hey babe, now that the season's over, lets go back to my place and watch the highlight film.
Why did the man bring a gun to the clock factory?
To kill some time.
What do you call a bat who gets a charge out of life?
A battery.
Good thing I just bought term life insurance … because I saw you and my heart stopped!
What do skeletons put in their photocopiers?
Skeletoner
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
If you put a strawberry in the freezer, you can make a strawberry shake!
My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!
What do we call a deer without any eye?
“No – eye – deer.”
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Honeydew.
Honeydew who?
Honeydew know who fine you're looking?
Elizabeth has eleven elves in her elm tree.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
My colleague kept on missing deadlines, so I advised him not to bite off more than he can blue!
"Grandparent Rap"
It's Grandparents' Day and we're here to say,
"We love our Grandparents in a major way."
So sit right down and take a seat,
And we'll put on a show that can't be beat!
Some Grandparents are skinny. Some eat a lot.
Some are funny. Some are not.
Some short, some tall, some big, some small.
It doesn't matter. We love them all.
Why has the prosthesis dealer become a private detective?
He has a nose for these things.
Are you a flower? Because I'd love it if you planted one on me.
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
The classiest indoor tennis facilities serve bubble tea.
If you ever own a koala as a pet, make sure you can keep track of it by putting a koalar around its neck.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
What happens if you read too many Painful baseball Puns?
You're left in stitches.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
What do you call a werewolf escapologist?
Hairy Houdini.
"Now he's just some bunny that I used to know."
Man: "If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U and I together."
Woman: "They got it right the first time with the N and O."
Why was the book of incantations useless?
Because the author failed to do a spell-check.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."
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