How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lego
Lego who?
Lego of me and I'll tell you!
What’s a horse’s favorite sport?
Saddleball.
Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory. I couldn't keep the space clean.
The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.
Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"
Ravens fans are so tough....they hang out in crowbars.
How did Frankenstein know Jesus was coming for a visit?
He used his frankincense.
I went to the Red Cross to donate blood.
They threw me out and said "We don't want your type here!"
"The Story Of Nibbly McNibbleson"
Nibbly McNibbleson was the dog nibbling queen.
She’d nibble everything when she couldn’t be seen.
She nibbled her legs, and she nibbled her paws.
She nibbled so much; her poor body was raw.
Then, she nibbled her blanket the whole of the day,
to the point where she’d nibbled the blanket away.
One day, she tired of nibbling her bed,
and decided she’d try doing licking instead.
So, she licked all the mirrors, the tables, and chairs.
Then, she licked all the rugs and the carpeted stairs.
Her licking won a place in the dog Hall of Fame,
and so Licky McLickerson became her new name.
Baby dump trucks have the cutest name – they’re called dumplings.
Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
How do you tell the difference between a rabbit and a gorilla?
A rabbit looks nothing like a gorilla
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
What do you call a guy in a wheelchair who keeps getting struck by lightning?
A handicapacitor.
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
A physics teacher writes a question on a board:
"A 40 kg child that 100 cm tall is holding a parent's arms swinging them 0.5 revolutions a second. If the parent let go of the child after 2 seconds, where will the child end up?"
A few moments later, the teacher then comes over and reads a student's answer:
"In a foster home."
I visited my new friend in his flat.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate having visitors.
What kind of cheese protects a castle?
Moat-zarella.
What did the weather reporter say to his wife?
“I hope it doesn’t rain, deer!”
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose?
Hare spray.
What do penguins sing at a birthday party?
Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
Are people jealous of the Irish?
Yeah, they’re green with envy.
I recently took a trip to Alaska. We ate at a fancy restaurant where the chef made us an amazing meal from native animals and vegetables we helped forage. I asked if he had ever had whale blubber or seal meat.
He said "nah, I’m not really Inuit."
Coffee, tea, or just more of me?
In my own version of the periodic table of elements, the number one element is U.
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.
I was milking a cow and a fly flew in its ear.
I thought, that’s weird, I just kept milking. A while later, the same fly showed up in the milk bucket. I guess that’s what they say: in one ear, out the udder.
What did Michael Jackson say to his chess opponent?
“It don’t matter if you’re black or white.”
I’m so adjective, I verb noun.
What month does every tree dread? Sept-timmmberrr!
What do you call an elf who runs away from Santa's Workshop? A rebel without a Claus!
How do you know if you are dealing with a smart zombie?
They are wearing helmets!
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
Why should you never eat the fish in France?
Because it's poisson.
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
What kind of magazines would the planets prefer to read? Cosmos.
My friend asked me whether I was ready to pick apples this fall? I apple-solutely was.
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
Golf is a lot like taxes:
You go for the green and wind up in the hole.
It’s so cold that when I dialed the emergency number, there was a recording that said to call back in spring.
According to Greek mythology, Chiron was a half horse half human doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
Not all math puns are bad.
Just sum.
What is a golfer’s favorite bird?
Any birdie will do.
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