If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
It’s so hot that I renamed my pig “Bacon.”
What did the burger meat say to the BBQ? “Is it meat you’re looking for?”
Why did the insomniac man get arrested? He resisted a rest
Whale, hello there.
I’m like a solar panel absorbing your radiant sunshine energy.
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
I read dead people.
The cat’s out of the bag – I love you purry much.
Why did the corn stalks hold a ceremony in honor of the scarecrow?
To corn-gratulate him for being out standing in their field!
Are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart.
If you must cross a course cross cow across a crowded cow crossing, cross the cross coarse cow across the crowded cow crossing carefully.
What does a biologist wear when they're going out?
Designer genes.
According to pig etiquette, piglets are meant to be porcine and not heard.
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak? Mouse code!
Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.
What natural disaster took out the ancient horses?
A volcanic stirruption.
What is the onion that laughs a lot and is small and white in color? It is a tickled onion.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
How did the pony get the bugs away?
It said, horse-shoo fly, don’t bother me.
Asked the librarian rather loudly for the wifi password. He said "Sshhhhhh!" I asked "is that all lower case?"
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer.
Speed and Velocity are brothers.
Velocity has a family, is rich and teaches classes around the world.
Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents.
They think Speed lacks Direction.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
I like to say mucho when i’m talking to my Spanish speaking friends.
It means a lot to them.
Tommy Tucker tried to tie Tammy's Turtles tie.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
The flock of crows that were sprayed with sewage was a true definition of murder most foul.
Are you the sun?
Because you should stay 93 million miles away from me.
“In spring we are on Earth; in summer we are on Earth; in autumn we are on Earth, but in winter we are in another planet; winter is another planet!” — Mehmet Murat ildan
Take off those blue suede shoes and let's shake rattle n roll!
What was the puppy's costume for Halloween?
The Big Bad Woof.
What did the cactus wear with their suit?
A cactie.
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
“If you step on a purple mushroom, you’ll be forced to marry the ugliest person in the world,” warned the old gnome, so the man continued carefully through the woods.
He didn’t step on any purple mushrooms.
Suddenly a beautiful woman walked up and said: “We have to get married.”
“Why?” asked the man, smiling.
“I just stepped on one of those pesky purple mushrooms!”
Who were the first cheese lovers ever?
Edam and Eve.
What do racehorses eat?
Fast food.
Which hot drinks space people like? Gravi-tea.
Now get out there and pick-up your boat race sweetie!
Did you know Rolf Harris was a talented violinist as a child?
Yeah, he was a mean kiddie fiddler.
What does marriage do? Puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
Why did they stop giving the horse grass?
They wanted it to be less green.
"Only on a cruise shiip will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet."
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Oscar Wilde
How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch? Tea Rex?
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
Solving problems in the mountains is easy. It really Alps to clear your head.
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