What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?
3.14
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
Did you know there was a Jedi from Italy who was really strict about diets?
His name was Only One Cannoli.
I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.
It's spine.
“In spring we are on Earth; in summer we are on Earth; in autumn we are on Earth, but in winter we are in another planet; winter is another planet!” — Mehmet Murat ildan
What do you call a group of chess players bragging about how they won in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
You ever heard the Stormtrooper band?
Probably not, they've never had a hit.
There four things we simply cannot choose in this life
1. Our parents
2. Our nationality
3. Our physical attributes
4. The Russian president
How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.
So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.
Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!
Sorry, I don't believe in love at first sight. But I am willing to make an exception in your case.
You dropped something. My jaw.
What’s a balanced diet like?
A slice of cake in each hand!
What's your name? Because I'll be screaming it all night long.
What do you call a deer in a storm?
A raindeer
What did the football player say to his Chinese son
Go Long!
Do you wanna go to a restaurant?
You can't spell “menu” without me and u.
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
This is one spray-cation to remember.
There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.
How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.
What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"
Why are small dried up river beds so cool? Because they're ex-stream.
Hey baby, I just found out our shirts were manufactured in unfair working conditions; let's take them off.
Werewolf Weather Furcast: Tomorrow we expect heavy showers.
Wanna make out in my Tundra Buggy?
What happened when the monster's football game was all tied up?
They went into ogre time.
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat his lunch?
Because he was stuffed.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
Somebody was doing a speech and said, "This might be corny," and pulled out a couple of canned corns. Guess what happened next?
Total pundemonium.
Following a recipe, says I need: pears, five cubed. 125 sounds like a lot of pears for a pie…
Who is never hungry on Thanksgiving?
The turkey, because he’s already stuffed!
What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz!
What would you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers!
Pumpkin Spice season is finally here, better latte than never.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
How do you comfort a grammar fanatic?
their, there, they're.
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
When I asked the bus driver for directions, it was a 'bus stop' service!
Aloha is a soft laugh.
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
What do you call donating a chair?
Charity!
I ain’t a personal trainer, but I can host a one-on-one workout !
We could do some cardio at your place
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Al.
Al who?
Al give you a kiss if you open the door.
What's the difference between an otter and a navy aircrewman?
At least the otter knows he's not a seal.
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