What do skeletons put in their photocopiers?
Skeletoner
Elves usually make fantastic listeners since they happen to be all ears.
I just watched someone try to steal a pumpkin from a bull.
He got gourd.
The orange said to the melon, “You are one in a melon.” The melon replied, “You are so appealing.”
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
That look soots you.
I have a butcher friend in London. Last week he caught a huge sea creature in the river there and made it into sausage. It was the beast of Thames. It was the wurst of Thames.
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry."
How about dinner?
Reading whilst sunbathing? You must be well-red!
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
Why couldn't the garden gnome run in the marathon?
Because he's not part of the human race!
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
I nearly kicked my dog out, but we renegotiated the terms of his leash.
I am still trying to launch beef and cream out of a mushroom cannon. It is not stroganoff.
My Dermatologist was fired today...
He made too many rash decisions.
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
Do you have a pencil? Cause I want to erase your past and write our future.
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
Why was Pegasus such a good ballerina?
He was flo-wing.
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
why was the ship called 3.14
because it was full of π-rates.
Are you a pile of soiled dishes? Because I want to spend the entire evening with you.
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.
A security guard at an airport informs the pilot of a man trying to sneak contraband onto an airplane.
The pilot responds, "That's not going to fly."
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
What did the beaver say to the river? You can run but can't tide.
I don't know what gate I'm boarding at, but I hope it's close to yours.
"Do you play the trom-bone?"
Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue a shark for biting all his limbs off?
He didn’t have a leg to stand on.
Why do grizzlies never look sad?
Because whenever there’s a problem, they just grin and bear it.
Readers do it between the covers (or alternately, readers do it between the sheets).
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
Your sweater must be made out of wife material.
What did the Christmas tree tell his crush? I pine for you.
Q: What anime series do fruits like to watch?
A: One peach.
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
Name the subject that is most fruitiest among others. History because of it huge number of dates.
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
A farmer complained that he didn't have enough fruit to make a living.
I told him he needs to grow a pear.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Urine.
Urine who?
Urine trouble if you don’t answer the door.
Did you hear about the geologist who got divorced?
He was taking his wife for granite, so she left him.
What do you get if you cross a gnome and a tauren?
A mini-taur.
I'm not a hipster, but I could make your hips stir.
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