Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.
I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
What would you call a singer who's really scared of medusa?
A rockstar.
How did Benjamin Franklin feel when he discovered electricity?
Shocked!
If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...
I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need.
I've never made an incomplete pass, and I hope you won't be my first.
Strawberries are berry healthy. They pack a punch when it comes to beating cancer and other diseases.
An intrepid explorer named Petty,
Intended to capture a yeti.
But the yeti yelled, Freeze!
I’ve a gun—on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.
What do you call dogs who pay in the snow?
Slush puppies.
There’s a big thunderstorm. The road is blocked by a big mudslide. A little boy asks his dad, “Why does earth fall down like that?”
His dad answers, “It’s terrain.”
My mother-in-law dropped her iPhone in the toilet...
I told her, "there's a CRAP for that."
Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’
It is a bad film because good ones tend to have created atop day-old soup.
"I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Nothing changed." ~ George Carlin
I wanna live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.
I just lost my job and may be Baroque, but that doesn't mean I can't show you a good time.
I enjoy throwing coins in the river and watching them. I like studying my cash flow.
What do pixies use to clean their teeth?
Fairy floss.
“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
Which state of America has lots of cats and dogs? Petsylvania
I found out yesterday that the Mexican dish ghosts like the most is a boo-ritto.
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo?
“Hop on!”
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
You know what you would look really beautiful in?
My arms.
One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
What did the deer say to his sulky friend?
“Buck up!”
What do you call Sir Lancelot when he is dancing and singing to his heart's content at a party? We call him Sir Dancelot.
Librarians don't like drinking white wine. They prefer the well red ones!
What does the birch like to study in school? Chemistree.
Did you know that humans started out as peas? That's why we're called homosa-pea-ns.
How would you describe a pun about a pun?
They're pun-ishingly bad!
I'm giving away my legless parrot, no perches necessary!
What kind of cheese is really good at guitar?
Shreddar.
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
I'm acorn-y person.
I bet you don’t talk to strangers. But, if you had my number in your phone book, we wouldn’t be strangers anymore.
Get that red light ready, because you and I are about to score.
Why did the deer get braces?
He had buck teeth.
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
I had a goat’s cheese pizza the other day.
He wasn’t happy.
Don't add honey to your tea. You are already sweet enough!
Did you hear about the man who quit his job at a bakery? They said that it left him loathe of bread.
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