"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
Hey, I just got my flight number. I’m just missing your phone number.
What can you serve and never eat? A volleyball!
The weatherman said it might get a bit drizzly outside.
You can expect a Lil’ Wayne.
Enough exposition. Let’s move this to the development section
How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow worm? it has a blue light.
In Ireland, when the cows are in the road it’s udder chaos.
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
What do you call a cow that has 2 legs? Side of beef
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
How does the cell phone call his girlfriend on Valentine's Day? He gives her a ring.
Where do fashionable ghosts shop for sheets? Bootiques.
Have you watched werewolves taking lunch, you will be amused, they literally wolf it down!
If you think Earth has too few human-animal hybrids, then it behooves you to become a centaur.
What do you call a mouse who can pick up a horse? Sir!
We failed to find the dog's bone because the owner berried it.
“I told you Doc!! I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat! Why do you keep calling me a liar??
Doctor: “Sir, I’ll say it again, that’s A Fib!”
How do you communicate with a fish?
Drop him a line.
What did the zombie call the girl he was dating?
His ghoul-friend.
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
Where do you send turtles who commit crimes?
To the shell-block.
What is the collective noun for Ghosts? Team spirit.
The fact that I'm missing some teeth only means that there's more room for your tongue.
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
What do you call a free treadmill?
The Great Outdoors.
What do fruits look for at a talent show? A berry that can really cherry a tune.
“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.” – Sam Ewing
You don't know jack-o-lantern
Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?
What kind of light goes around the earth? A Satel-lite.
The Best Break Up Lines
Want to know a joke? Our relationship.
Who are the cousins of the werewolf?
What-wolf and When-wolf
It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.
If an elf can’t do something right now, how do they handle it?
Shelf it for later.
How does a kangaroo win a gold medal?
In the long jump.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Caesars.
What did Archimedes's girlfriend told him when he hadn't taken bath for several days?
Eu-reek-a
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
How do you pronounce Jasmine? Because in my head it’s “Jas-MINE”.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
Why did the wine connoisseur insist on drinking from an old tire?
He heard it was a Goodyear!
Some very good advice strawberries give to their children is to respect their elder-berries.
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
What type of dog is best at timekeeping?
A watch dog.
One night I looked up at the stars and thought, ‘Wow, how beautiful.’ But now that I’m looking at you, nothing else can compare.
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
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