I dreamt about you. You died.
Why do trees always hate taking tests? Because they keep getting stumped by the questions.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Rome!
Rome who?
Rome is where the heart is!
I bet your muffled screams are as cute as u.
You feta have a gouda birthday.
Why did the bunny bang his head on the piano? He was playing by ear!
Libya changed its plain green flag to a crescent moon, but I think they'll change it back.
It's only a phase, after all.
Where do the monkeys get their gossip?
They hear it on the ape vine.
Which month do soldiers hate most? The month of March!
What did the tuna say to her overzealous partner?
I think we need to scale things back here.
Like a bouquet tied with twine, I can be yours if you will be mine.
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...
I don't care *how* many items you've got, baby, I could check you out all day long!
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.
At dinner tonight my mother in law asked why my sons knife had a bend in it
I told her it’s so he can cut corners
Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.
What do pines eat for breakfast? Past-trees.
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
Which bug always crosses the road?
A beetle.
Which mammal absolutely loves Merlot and Cabernet?
The Wineoceros.
Is your name Alice? ‘cause baby I can show you Wonderland.
Why do piglets take home economics in school? To learn how to sow.
Q. Why did the gorilla cross the road?
A. To get to the monkey biz on the other side.
Tried acting in a theatre full of farmers. Got mooed off stage.
Prepare to be bowled over.
All farts...are laughing gas.
If you were a jack-o'-lantern, I'd totally light your candle.
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
What do dogs have that no other animal has?
Puppies.
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex...
He's a small arms dealer.
Why did the optimistic electrician lose his job?
He kept on turning negatives into positives.
Zebras usually hold strong opinions. They are very black and white creatures.
I won't take no for an answer. I'm having Nunavut.
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
All the contestants at the pig Olympics were very happy with their prizes. They each won pork medallions.
I just had to come talk with you. Sweetness is my weakness.
What did the snowplow guy say when his equipment broke down?
Take this job and shovel it!
What did the gorilla say after spending one month at te gym?
Geez, gain a little muscle mass, and everybody acuses you of steroids. As if eating too many bananas wasn't dopey enough!
Why does everyone invite ice cream to the party?
It’s cool.
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
What Christmas carol do candy bars sing? Almond Joy To The World.
After all is red and done, all the colors in the rainbow are equally beautiful.
Your Ph factor must be 14 because you’re the most basic need in my life right now.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Spell.
Spell who?
W-H-O.
What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street?
Gives a brain wave.
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