Why was the square dance fiddler arrested for smuggling?
Because of his contra band...
"Stop and smell the rosé."
“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti
What happens when an onion burps at the most awkward time? It releases tear gas.
What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech? A blonde at a flashing red light
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
What four letters will frighten a burglar? O I C U Where does bad light go? To prism!
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!
I met her in chat, she was neat,
her photo was pretty, petite.
we met for a meal,
I saw her for real,
I screamed and then ran down the street!
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated.
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored -- how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Pig…
Pig who?
Pig on someone your own size!
Whose music do elves like the most?
Elf-is Presley.
I tried to keep a koala in my house, but the smell was just unBEARable.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Jess.
Jess who?
Jess let me in.
You're by far the prettiest girl here. The 'Liberty bell' of the ball.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
There’s an old oak near my house that’s always surrounded by fog.
I don’t know why, it’s a mist tree.
“I can’t breathe” One potato said to the other. “What happened? ” The other said. The potato replied “I
feel I dropped my nose somewhere”
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
There were two antennas who met on a roof and they fell in love and decided to get married. The ceremony was nothing fancy, but you could tell that they had a very strong connection.
What song do young peaches love listening to? 'Papa don't peach'.
Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to call animal control cause I just saw a fox!
Two blonds were driving down the road.
The blond driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
So the blond looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."
There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market
Its called mycoxaflopin
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
Beware, gnomish merchants, they tend to shortchange people.
What caused the airline to go bankrupt? Runway inflation.
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
Let's procreate like the snakes in the Narcisse Dens.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
'what's the Wifi password?'
'Its for security'
'Haha, yes, I know that. But what's the password?'.
'No, it's 'forsecurity'. All one word, lower case.'.
What does a hippy cherry wear to a festival? A pie dye T-shirt.
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
When you go to the wolf hotel just around the corner, you will meet this huge, moustached wolf who always says, “howl may I help you?” as if he has no other words to us!
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate, the greedy ape said as he ate: The greener green grapes are, the keener keen apes are to gobble green grape cakes. They’re great!
My last girlfriend left me for being unnecessarily mysterious...or DID she?
Why didn’t the horse tell her friend she was a thief?
She didn’t want to saddle her with that information.
A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack
I went on a date with a Chess World Champion the other night.
It took her about 10 minutes to pass the salt.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
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