Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card
It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,
About Six-tea years to date,
Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,
her cupious amazing traits
Her balanced demeanour
Her Kindness and (earl) grace,
rooibost sense of humour,
too many to name in this teany space,
to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,
let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,
While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,
It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.
For you, I would slay two Goliaths.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
Why can't tomatoes ever beat lettuce in a race?
Because lettuce is always a head, and tomatoes have to ketchup!
I am lucky we are hiking together this evening.
There was an Old Man at a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!'
He replied, 'Not at all!'
That incipient Old Man at a casement.
What birds should you recycle?
Toucans.
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
You are my butter-half!
What language do they speak in Italy
Times New Roman.
Why didn't the kids eat their soup? Because they're stew peed.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
Why was red in awe of orange?
“Because orange blue green.”
Why did the bees go on strike? Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
What did the two onions who were lovers say to each other before being separated? "Our love will forever go-nion on!"
Vampires can always Count on Dracula.
What is the mermaid’s favorite drink?
A mertini.
How should you bury an onion?
... in a shallot grave!
Fake ramen noodles are also called the impasta.
What kind of bean never grows in a garden? A jelly bean!
All theatres love to see scarecrows out in the audience as reviewers! They're simply outstanding in their field.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
Hundreds of chickpeas were found dead the other day. The police say it's a hummuside.
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
Why did the lettuce and the mushroom break up? The lettuce was pretty but the mushroom did not have much room for her in his life.
Sorry, but you owe me a drink. Why? Because when I looked at you, I dropped mine.
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
Want to break the wishbone? I’m wishing for a date with you.
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
The weather's getting colder, I really fancy some hot croc-o-late.
What’s the opposite of Easter?
Wester
You must be the one for me… Since my selectively permeable membrane let you through.
Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
What's your name? Because I'll be screaming it all night long.
There's a microchip you can transplant into your brain to boost your memory
You should keep that in mind.
Oh, Darling, I'd like to be in your octopus garden
I stumbled upon people arguing about trains in my town.
I told them, what’s the lo-commotion?
Were you born on the Bluenose? Because baby, you're a dime.
What was the inscription on the tomb of Frankenstein’s monster?
HERE LIES FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER. MAY HE REST IN PIECES.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
Do truckers prefer houses with long-haul ways?
"Technology is getting smarter and smarter: smartphones, smartwatches, smart homes… Only people remain stupid no matter what."
- Anna LeMind
Synonym rolls: just like grammar used to make.
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