The fungi turned down seconds at dinner because he never had mushroom.
What kind of keys does a kid skeleton use on Halloween? Cook-keys.
Why did the two 4's skip lunch? They already 8 (ate).
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
How did the witch invite the wizard to take an evening ride on her broomstick?
Voodoo like to ride with me?
How is a shoddy furniture manufacturer like a bag of prunes?
They both create loose stools.
Whats A tooth fairys favorite movie?
Jaws.
Do you like science because I've got my ion you.
Did you know, you can actually hide a gigantic elephant in a cherry tree? All you need to do is paint its toenails red. I bet you don’t believe me – but have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? I rest my case.
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them has a watch.
"What time do you think it is?" one of them asks the other.
"Just make a ton of noise," says the other.
The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyway. After a few seconds of screaming, a light turns on in another yard and a neighbor yells, "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
Why are parrots the life of the party? Every day is their bird-day!
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
Let me sell you an indulgence because it's a sin to look as good as you do.
Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To get to the body shop.
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
What did the tuna say to her overzealous partner?
I think we need to scale things back here.
What do you say to a small onion that has helped you?
Thanks shallot.
What kind of computer does a worm have? A Macintosh.
Why do comedians hate telling jokes at zombie night?
All they hear is groans.
What falls all the time and never gets hurt? Rain.
Are you an exception? I bet I can catch you.
Why did the cheerleader add extra salt to her food in the summer?
She wanted to do summer-salts.
"Does your father sell diamonds? Because you are FLAWLESS!"
I’m invisible. [Really?] Can you see me? [Yes]. How about tomorrow night?
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
When the little unicorn got bullied at school, he told his pop-corn so he could do something about it.
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Roses are red, my face is too, this only happens when I cycle with you.
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
Where does a snowman keep his money?
In a snow bank.
Which Halloween treat is going to keep a crow up all night? A crowfee apple.
Don't you just hate it when it's 212 degrees outside? It really just makes my blood boil.
Charles Dickens might have given you Great Expectations, but I can meet them.
Why did Saint Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
They were causing mass hiss-teria!
What happens when fish start an addiction to worms?
They get hooked.
Shut up the shutters and sit in the shop.
Gnomes don’t understand jokes, they go right over their heads.
"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market
Its called mycoxaflopin
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
I used to store motivational quotes that I found online, onto the cloud, for whenever I needed some inspiration.
Unfortunately I forgot the password for my Google account.
I have no Drive.
just bought 5 slabs of San miguel, 10 sombreros and 25 tacos,
I'm Hispanic buying
Four types of weather were having a race. Sunny won gold, cloudy got silver, snowy picked up a bronze, and rainy won a precipitation award.
You cannot strike it, if you don’t try it.
What do sloths throw in winter? Slowballs.
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