There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.
I have been saying "mucho" more often while talking to my Hispanic friends
It means a lot to them.
An owner of a pizza shop has just been found dead covered with pineapple, ham, mushrooms, and pepperoni. Word is that he topped himself.
Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!
Why did the Koala cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
You are spud-tacular.
A wind turbine saw a solar panel at an energy convention. He leaned in and shouted, Hey, I’m a big fan!”
There was an exotic pet race to take place.
Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"
The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:
"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."
Who is Frosty’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt Artica!
The last four letters of 'queue' are not silent
They're just waiting their turn.
What do math and history have in common?
They both teach people about inequalities.
Miners Refuse to Work after Death.
Does anything come after April A?
May B!
It's so cold that polar bears wear jackets.
“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you! and I want the whole world to know it.
Why could I not imagine to have milk in the afternoon? Because it was beyond my wildest creams.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus.
Let’s shell-ebrate good times and tan lines.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
I can’t decide how to finish this wooden sign telling my parrot that she’s become a member of the Scottish aristocracy
Polyurethane?
What’s the best dessert to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy cake!
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
Initially, the passenger couldn't find where his next flight was, but fortunately, he made the connection in time.
In my friend's house, I saw an onion ring. So, I picked it up and answered it.
Why did the snowman name his dog ‘Frost’?
Because ‘Frost’ bites.
"Yoda one for me."
I’m more interested in you than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.
Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.
(Mary Oliver Rotman)
Great news! I'm a movie director now! I gave stellar directions to a very lovely family on their way to the theatre.
Why are obtuse angles so depressed?
Because they’re never right.
I was wondering if you like science because I have had my ion you for some time.
What did the bat say to the diabetic? Nice knawing you!
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
Is your name Summer? It has to be, because you're hot!
What type of weapon can you make with potassium, iron and nickel? A KniFe.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
What is a tornado's favorite movie? Gone With the Wind!
You must be Gisele Bundchen’s twin sister. You know the one no one talks about because she’s more beautiful than Gisele.
What kind of hotdogs do ghouls like best?
Halloweiners!
Have you heard about the gorilla who got a name change?
Peaches the gorilla escaped from the zoo, but when they got him back they had to change it because it turns out he had become an Ape Re-caught.
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