You are the square to my root.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
A tree's limbs fell off in a storm, now it's an amputree.
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
What do you call a cat that works at a printing shop?
A copy cat.
Anne of Green Gables? More like Anne of Green Babeles.
My mother-in-law dropped her iPhone in the toilet...
I told her, "there's a CRAP for that."
Why did the monkey like the banana? Because it had appeal!
What do you call a giant mushroom? Hu-fungus.
It’s so hot you discover that it only takes 2 fingers to drive your car.
I recently took a pole and found out 100% of the occupants were angry with me when their tent collapsed.
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
What is a chocolate covered car called?
A Ferrari Rocher
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
You don't need to waste your time on that treadmill, you've been running through my mind all day.
What was the shark’s favorite Tim Burton film?
Edward Scissorfins.
“Bring a compass. It’s awkward when you have to eat your friends.”
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
“Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. COFFEE.”
Why do poets always write about the sea?
They just can’t fathom her depths.
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
Dang girl, are you an angel? Because you are dead to me.
Once upon a Halloween night,
A coven of witches took flight;
They went to the UN;
Added an “F” to UN.,
From then on the world’s future was more bright.
What did one leaf say to the other leaf?
I’ve fallen for you.
I wondered why flamingos were so strong, so I did a little research. Turns out they do a lot of eggs-er-cise.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Why was the cow always exercising? To build up its moo-scles
What is considered the tallest building in the world?
The library, because it has so many stories.
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
Did you have sugar? Because you got a sweet smile.
Can I be one of the men in your box?
I just found out what animal’s been getting into my avocado plants...
It was a guaca-mole.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sorry to say,
I’m not into you.
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.
My father hates Thanksgiving.
It's all about the stuffing.
He says it smells like day-old socks.
So on his plate goes nothing.
He grits his teeth and goes to bed.
It gives my mother grief.
I think next year, this holiday,
instead we'll eat roast beef!
- Denise Rodgers
Are you the dog? Because your shit’s all over the lawn.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
I went to the shooting range for the first time, but I couldn’t get my gun to fire
I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual
Which fish can perform operations?
A Sturgeon.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
A herd.
A herd who?
A herd you were home, so I came over!
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
One day a apple saw a banana without its peel. The apple asked banana, where is your peel? He replied, people are always taking off my clothes.
The sun is up. The sky is blue. It's beautiful and so are you.
You look good on your yoga mat.
Where do parrots invest their money?
In the stork market
Right, I'm off to grow some facial hair above my top lip...
Must dash.
We were all sturtled by the incoming news.
My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"
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