What do you call for injured ants?
The ant-bulance.
Why can't you use beef stew as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
Do you like math? No? Me neither. In fact, the only number I care about is yours.
I was astonished when my shirt's color changed from red to pink after a wash. Guess it showed me its true colors.
If only thanksgiving was every month
A feast I would enjoy
But then I got to thinking
My diet it would destroy.
But the food we eat at Thanksgiving,
The turkey and the pumpkin pie
It is all so good and tasty,
To say otherwise is a lie.
And, then there are the relatives
Who gather each year
Some of them drive me crazy
But really they are all so dear.
Maybe it is good that
Thanksgiving only comes once a year
It makes us realize
That Christmas is near.
- Catherine Pulsifer
You’ve got beauty like Petit Champlain and curves like Bonhomme.
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...
“That’s just spam.”
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
Girl, you are the spark that lights my fire.
---
Come on, I’ll give you a tour of my tent...
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
Q: Why did peas jump out of an airplane?
A: They wanted to be air pods.
In space, no one can hear us scream.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sorry to say,
I’m not into you.
Did you hear about the potato that got its head chopped off? It was decap-potatoed.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
I hate it when planes don't have free WiFi.
It drives me bored air line crazy.
My best friend said we're like two peas in a pod. I'm confused, there's only one P in pod.
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
One molar solution.
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
I saw you on Spotify so thought to text you. You were in the hottest singles this week.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
I almost got a world record for having the most peas up my nose but sadly I blew it.
Bill’s house was rocking last night, everyone got stoned.
Too bad Bill didn’t have avalanche insurance.
Do you know hop? Because your body is really kickin'.
Have you heard the fast gladiator that was a tumor covered in dough?
He was a Roamin' Tumor Roll.
What do you call it when a football player suffers a career-ending injury in his last game before retirement? Gridirony!
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
Why can't the zombie get a job?
They all want someone more lively.
I love you dairy much.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
"You know, it's dangerous for you to be here in the frozen foods section—because you could melt all this stuff."
- Steve Martin, My Blue Heaven (1990)
Halloween was nearly over, and the zombie was hurrying to get back to her tomb before the sun came up.
She was rushing so much, she didn't even notice the headstone was the wrong shape before she got in. It was a grave mistake.
What do you call someone who specialises in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.
Are you a lion of the sea? Because I’m sure, I’ll see you in my bed tonight, lion.
When you accidentally step on a cheerio, you become a cereal killer.
What did the banana do when it saw a gorilla? The banana split.
Are you French? I want to take a french kiss from you.
What do donuts wear to weddings? Tuxe-doughs!
Are you from history? Because your body looks royal.
During the divorce, the judge couldn't decide who got the shack in the backyard, despite our numerous arguments.
It was a case of he shed, she shed.
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
Why was the shy guy terrible at baseball?
He never got to third base.
“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
What did the salt say after it was pepper-sprayed?
That's nothing to sneeze at.
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
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