"Maybe this is not the right time for us"
I'm attracted to you so strongly, scientists will have to develop a fifth fundamental force.
Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special.
Are you tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day with a frisbee in your mouth.
Why settle for metaphors? How about I turn that simile into a smile?
Damn, look at that pizza! It's an over panchiever.
I told my wife that I saw a sheep pondering its place in the world.
She asked me, “Can ewe even imagine?”
The daddy strawberry got the job to perform at the circus because he was a berry straw-ng man.
To get to the other tide.
If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...
I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need.
Flight allows flamingos to stay safe from predators. This is natural selection in action, and explains why flaminstays are extinct.
Some people think anyone who sells meat is gross. But, people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.
What is it called when a tree has back problems?
ScoliOAKsis
What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog.
I saw a flyer about a missing flower, would you call your florist and let him know you are safe?
All my neighbours bought the same set of stereos...
When will they stop stereotyping?
What do you get if a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
Are you a red blood cell? Because you never fail in delivering what my heart needs.
What does it do before it rains candy? It sprinkles! What do you call dancing chocolate bar? Nestle Crunk bar.
My Roomba accidentally rolled out of my front door, and the neighborhood squirrels and rabbits immediately started attacking it.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Did you hear about the doctor who was practicing bee venom therapy without a license?
He was arrested in a sting operation.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?
"He didn't count on this."
Like America to Hawaii in 1898, you’ve annexed my heart.
I'm no organ donor, but I'd be happy to give you my heart.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Henrietta.
Henrietta who?
Henrietta worm that was in his apple.
What type of egg refuses to come out of his shell?
An egg-arophobic.
Bus ticket inspectors: You’ve really got to hand it to them.
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows
What do you call a potato that’s reluctant to jump into boiling water? A hesi-tater.
What do runners do when they forget something?
They jog their memory!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was either chasing an egg or being chased by an egg, I’m not sure which came first.
How can you hear the sounds of a group of dolphins?
Listen to their podcast.
What’s the name of the rabbit who stole from the rich and gave to the poor? Rabbit Hood.
Clean clams crammed in clean cans.
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
Another cheese factory in France exploded...
I Camembert to hear this joke again!
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
What do you call an alligator who’s your friend?
A pal-igator.
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
Are your legs tired from spinning, or because you've been running through my mind all day?
What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.
What do you call a deer in a storm?
A raindeer
Milk does the body good, but damn how much did you drink?
Did you know that the Greek god Chronos was in the Mafia?
He was the Don of Time itself!
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
Five frantic frogs fled from fifty fierce fishes.
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
What do you call a skeleton's favorite singer?
Pelvis Presley.
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