I've got no home, I haven't got control, and I can't see any escape.
I should get a new keyboard.
What did Frankenstein say when he was struck by lightning?
Great! A jolt to the bolt!
V
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Edit*: sorry it seems as the CTRL button on my keyboard isn't working
“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
Are you a time traveler? Because I absolutely see you in my future.
Is your body from McDonald's? Cause I'm lovin' it!
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
Have you wondered what made the strawberry such a smoothie? It is the yoghurt of course.
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
What do you give a panda when it is sick?
Pandadol.
Deep sea diving is so dangerous.
I just can’t fathom it.
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
55. How do you tell a car you are supporting it?
‘We are routing for you!’
What do you call a group of crows who see food?
A tempted murder.
What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers!
Treat yo shelves.
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend? Because his friend said dinner is on me.
What kind of milk do people drink in Mexico? Soy milk.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
Top 25 Funniest Duck Names:
1. James Pond
2. Quack Sparrow
3. Duck Norris
4 Quacks-a-Lot
5 Quackhead
6 Quacko
7. Quackers
8. Nutquacker
9. Quacker Jack
10. Quack Efron
11. Quack Black
12. Moby Duck
13. Quackula
14. Sir Duckington
15. Eggbert
16. Quackers
17. Duckleberry Finn
18. Quacker Jack
19. Lucky Duck
20. Cheese and quackers
21. Quaker Jack
22. Duckingham Palace
23.Waddles
24. Quackie Chan
25 Firequacker
Did you hear about the fumbled exorcism? The guy retained possession!
A group of crows drooling over a pastry is called a-tempted murder.
Make no bones about it, home made stock is a really good base for soups.
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
Arrrr. Wanna search me for buried treasure?
“We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us."
~ Anonymous
It’s the most wonderful time of the beer.
A young gourmet dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.
"We gotta get you out of those wet clothes and into a dry martini."
- Jay Chandrasekhar, Beerfest (2006)
The best thing ever to put in a strawberry pie is your teeth.
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
The pancake was quiet because it did not like to waffle.
Just found out they make adult race car beds so I bought one.
That way I can be fast asleep.
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
Because they got turtle recall, turtles never forget.
"I like a man that can pull off facial hair."
I think your supposed to use a razor.
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
Can I Alp you?
What caused the airline to go bankrupt? Runway inflation.
From one vegan to another – I think you’re fern-tastic, and I’ll never leaf you baby.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so too.
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
Did you hear the joke about the lumberjack, The sheep and the goat?
I wood tell ewe, but it’s a baaaaaad joke
What did Michael Jackson say to his chess opponent?
“It don’t matter if you’re black or white.”
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
Is your name Scarlett? Because when I saw you my heart was gone with the wind.
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