Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
The artist thought she was all that and pen some.
What kind of eels can travel on land?
Wheels.
Our local store had a problem with people stealing their feminine hygiene products,
so they installed a padlock.
Don’t get me wrong, I love our soccer team. However, in sharp contrast to the albatross, our team doesn’t have two decent wings.
What do you call a cold werewolf?
A chilli dog.
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.
It’s pretty plane and simple… I really think we could take off.
Who does a fish call when his piano breaks?
The piano tuna!
Why did the police arrest the milk after it was poured into a bowl of Fruit Loops? They witnessed him drown them. They knew he must be a cereal killer!
How did the Iceland repel the bananas attack? By freezing them
Up to snow good.
What do you call a dwarf who sells prosthetic limbs?
A small arms dealer.
Whenever I saw the beautiful smile on your face, my heart jumps like a happy little kangaroo.
“Monday is almost Tuesday, which is not so far from Wednesday which is neighboring Thursday, and Friday. Enjoy your day!”
You're such a treat that I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me.
A fly feels a bug on it's back. "Hey bug on my back, are you a mite?"
"I mite be !!" giggles the mite.
"That's the worst pun I've ever heard" groans the fly.
"What do you expect?" says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly. "
A man goes to the doctors and says " Doc, I'm having problems with my ears, I think I'm going deaf".
The Doc says " Can you tell me the symptoms?"
The man replies, " Well, Homer's the big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair!"
Which city do hamsters live in?
Hamsterdam.
The most useless room in a ghost's home in the living room.
Why did they stop giving the horse grass?
They wanted it to be less green.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
Why do golfers hate cake?
Because they might get a slice.
Knife and a fork bottle and a cork
that is the way you spell New York.
Chicken in the car and the car can go,
that is the way you spell Chicago.
How does a monster flush the toilet?
It doesn't, it scares the living sh** out of it.
Q: What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks?
A: Fowl weather.
How does a penguin get around?
By icicle.
Thought I saw a zebra in a field near my house recently, turned out to be a horse in his pyjamas.
Who granted the fish’s wish?
The fairy cod mother!
I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
What is a golfer’s favorite bird?
Any birdie will do.
"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
- Plato
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
You must be a magician, because everytime I look at you, everyone else disappears.
What do dogs like to drink? Kit-Tea.
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
Is this the bus stop?
Because I'm here to pick you up!
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
What kind of celebration pays down the national debt? A tea party.
Sorry, I had a pick up line for you but I got so distracted by your beauty.
When the baby onion was misbehaving, the father onion told it, "You better behave, you cheeky chops!"
If you wake up in a RED room, with no windows or doors, don't be alarmed, you're just in my heart.
What did the Indian kid say to his mother when she left India?
Mumbai
"The pursuit of happiness" means it's cool to hit on you, right?
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
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