Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
What killed the painter? He had too many strokes.
What did the dog say to its fleas?
Stop bugging me
One day on the highway, I saw a packet of onions and cheese walking down the road. When I offered them a lift, they declined by saying that they were 'Walkers'.
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
Don't be a jerk-o-lantern
A painter who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.
Ever use one of those expensive toothbrushes?
It's breath-taking.
What do you call it when all your mother's sisters gather at a funeral to avenge your death?
Vigil aunties.
What do alligators and Windows have in common?
Neither of them has enough bytes!
Vikings joke
Why do West Virginia residences love the Vikings?
They catch theilens from their cousins.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
No one likes sausage puns, they are the wurst!
I am terrified of people who urinate quietly.
After all, all psychos have a silent p.
Every morning when I leave home, a bike comes from somewhere and runs me over. It’s a vicious cycle.
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
Why did the Chinese communist party try to cover up the outbreak of the corona virus disease?
They were afraid not everyone could get it.
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
What do worms leave round their baths?
The scum of the earth!
Why did the girl break up with the boy?
He was driving her crazy!
What do you get when you cross a parrot and a shark?
A bird that talks your ears off.
What are you doing hanging out in aisle 3? You clearly belong in aisle 9. Aisle 10 is within arm's reach but that all depends on whether or not you'll have dinner with me.
Eddie edited it.
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
You should give me your number..who knows, I Michael you later…
Werewolf Weather Furcast: Tomorrow we expect heavy showers.
It’s so hot even the artificial flowers are dying.
If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
Why is it easy for chicks to talk?
Because talk is cheep.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
The Montreal baseball team relocated to Tampa after being purchased by the
Exposito bros.
The first time I saw your hiking boots, I knew we were sole-mates.
Why did the unemployed man get excited while looking through his Bible?
He thought he saw a job.
Why did the banana go to the hostpital? Because it wasnt peeling very well
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
What do you call a beaver with a bad attitude who acts lazy? A beaver that doesn’t give a dam.
The nurse made my heart skip a beat
It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused immense pain to ma toes.
What did the earth say to all the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
Don’t be hay-tin on autumn!
Why are tigers striped? Because they never want to be spotted.
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
Call me the pace clock, cause you sure can count on me.
What was Valentine’s favorite dessert for the French cat?
Chocolate mousse
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