My dad hates the ocean, but the other day he bought a boat.
He never could resist a good sail.
Why did the computer crash?
It had a bad driver!
Wondering about a peach's favorite movie? Well it has to be the 'King's Peach'.
What's a coffee's favorite spell? Espresso Patronum.
Why did the cake grow a daisy?
It was made with flower.
How excited was the gardener about spring?
So excited he wet his plants.
God gave us two ears, two eyes, two legs and two hands, but he only gave us one heart, and he wanted me to find you and tell you, you are the second one.
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
What do you call a goat that’s lazy?
Billy Idle.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
What does the winged horse do after it goes to the bathroom?
Pegaflushes.
Forget about Spider man, Batman, or Superman. I’ll be your man.
What do you get when you cross a dog and a frog?
A Croaker Spaniel.
Are you a high jumper? Because you make my bar go up.
What do you call a person really crazy about the moon
A lunatic.
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
A security guard at an airport informs the pilot of a man trying to sneak contraband onto an airplane.
The pilot responds, "That's not going to fly."
What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global Worming.
How do you apologize to a koala?
Bear your heart and soul to them.
I would love to show you first class.
What song was the peach listening to? 'Stronger with Peach Tear'.
Is your Wi-Fi on because I can feel a very strong connection with you?
What do you call a carnival worker who’s eating a turkey leg?
A carnie-vor.
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
Well, you have to hand it to relay runners, don't you?
What newspaper do cows read?
The Daily Moos.
You're like a dictionary - you add meaning to my life!
My doctor must think I have a bad hard drive
He said he needed to C:
I dare you to lie that you didn’t find all these space puns hilarious. Th
Did you see that meteor shower?
No, I respect others’ privacy.
You know what they say? Words.
Can one tropical bird change a lightbulb?
No, but toucan.
What do you call spooky mascara
Mascarea.
If kisses were raindrops, I'd send you a hurricane.
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.
Where do pigs keep their money? Why in the piggy bank, of course.
What do fruit bowls say when they dress up as a ghost on Halloween? Be cherry afraid!
I used to own a rabbit, but now he’s just some bunny that I used to know.
I have 3 eyes , 2 noses and a mouth. What am I?
Ugly.
It was reported that a tiger recently exploded in the forest fire. They say it was a Royal Bang-al Tiger.
What’s a bats favorite desert?
I-Scream!
What do you call a dinosaur who sat on a cactus?
A megalo-sore-ass.
Why do hitters find it so hard to be productive when they are indoors? They always work on an angle to play outside.
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.
Is there a bathroom in this tennis club? Because I’m about to drop a deuce.
How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground? A groundhog would hog all the ground he could hog, if a groundhog could hog ground.
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