What do you call a barbecued, blood-sucking insect?
Mesquite-o.
What’s a good way to start a conversation with a cheese plate on Tinder?
“Hello. Is it brie you’re looking for?”
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are at the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
Why did the parmesan swipe left on the cheddar?
His pick-up line was too cheesey.
Which fish go to heaven when they die?
Angelfish.
People tell me I have a good breaststroke, but I'd say I'm a pretty good swimmer too.
How does a dolphin do cocaine?
With its blow hole.
The cold weather always comes towards the end of the year weather you like it or not.
I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”
What drug is illegal in the ocean
Sea weed
A sunburned murder of crows is referred to as 1st, 2nd and 3rd degree.
Grandmother Of Eight Makes Hole In One
A student made our teacher so angry, they flipped their desk
Oh, the tables have turned
Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
Why are obtuse angles so depressed?
Because they’re never right.
I hate going to the doctor because all he does is suck blood from my neck.
Do NOT go see Dr. Acula!
Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.
Have you checked in yet? Because I've been check-in you out all day.
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?
A woolly good jumper.
How do you get from point A to point B?
Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.
What event do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
Jack is a lovable man with a colorful personality. He is a great hue-man.
Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party?
Just cos.
What is a ghost’s favorite carnival ride? The rollerghoster.
I used to own a raven. It could speak English, but the only word it could speak was "car".
What did Sherlock Holmes say to Watson when he noticed sandstone deposits on the river bank? "It's sedimentary, my dear Watson."
"I'd like to connect with nature but there's no USB port" - Dan Masso
What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
De-calf-inated!
May I have the distinguished honor and privilege of sitting next to you?
I ran out of deodorant.
I guess I'll go online and odor some more.
What do you call an overweight alien?
An extra cholesterol.
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
The manager for that dairy farm was referred to as the cow-ordinator.
Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.
Why did the blonde skier cut a hole near the top of her boyfriend's ski parka?
She wanted to give him the cold shoulder.
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fishually impaired.
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
If I made werewolf puns, they would be howl-arious.
Where do most horses work for their first job?
Re-tail stores.
You had me at cello.
just bought 5 slabs of San miguel, 10 sombreros and 25 tacos,
I'm Hispanic buying
What do you call a fast broomstick?
A vroom-stick.
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