On Mother's Day we went strawberry picking and made a jam from the fruits of our labor.
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
Q: Why do the tiger not attack the farm?
A: He was a little bit sheepish.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd!
Q: How does an artist fill in a CV?
A: He draws on experience.
Q: How do you make a blueberry?
A: You strangle a pea.
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“How do the elves clean Santa’s sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!”
Do you know what my shirt is made of? Husband material.
"Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get."
~ Ray Kroc
Why doesn't Daniel Tosh eat Hot Dogs? He can't find the zipper
Why did the daddy peach teach the child peach to shave? He was starting to grow peach fuzz.
My friend sailed his yacht into the wharf very rapidly, crashing into the dock and causing a dent in the hull.
It's just a berth mark, he swears.
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.
Where do horses go on vacation?
Flankfurt.
I'm saving for a rainy day, so far I've collected a couple of raincoats, an anorak, and a dinghy.
Why was the man holding a bottle of ketchup? Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.
It’s so hot that I’m using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit just to have a lower number.
What sound does a space turkey make? Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!
What do you call a group of crows who see food?
A tempted murder.
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
Getting tired of all this laundry. I’m going to throw the towel in.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an elephant? An animal who never forgets to eat its carrots.
What kind of music are balloons afraid of? Pop Music.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
Darling, if you were cocaine I’d OVERDOSE!
What did one crow say to the other after the party?
We were raven.
Why did the bees go on strike? Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers.
Buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood.
Lets unzip our genes and see if we can share codes together.
What do you call a sneezing big foot in Spanish?
Achoopacabra.
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
Boy, are you Elvis Presley? Because lord almighty I feel my temperature rising
What did the farmer yell out when ducks invaded his dairy farm? Cheese and crackers!
A person who only loves himself and waffles in the entire world is an Eggomaniac.
What do you call Chewbacca when you have chocolate stuck in your hair?
chocolate chip wookiee.
A soda can, a gas tank and the Greek god Eros walked into a bar?
The bartender shook his head, “Here comes trouble.” A patron at the bar said, “What’s wrong?” The bartender replied, “Those guys get together and they become cantankeros.”
A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No
I got fired for eating chips at work.
Well I really hated my job at the casino anyways.
Had a great weekend. Won the annual weather forecaster's championships!
I beat the raining champion.
My strategy is simple, knocking them down a pin at a time.
I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when it arrived there was too much milk and not enough coffee. Still, better latte than never.
Potatoes that are medi-tators maintain calm and peace even when uprooted.
What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.
I watched, horrified as two trucks carrying cheese crashed into each other. De brie was all over the road.
When does a leprechaun cross the road?
Just like everyone - when it's green!
Do you believe this? All soccer players, irrespective of their country of origin, have one goal.
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.
A barber, a hairdresser, and Bigfoot walk into a bar...
You know what...I'm gonna shave this joke for another time.
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