Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
"You are so bottlefull to me."
When I proposed to my fiancee, she started crying. It must be because I proposed to her with an onion ring.
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
“It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.” — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
There’s no trick in these pants.
A carrot went to a football game.
Wonder who it was rooting for.
These ideas are too shellow, they won’t be of any help.
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
Did you hear the one about the recycling family of triplets? Polly, Ethel and Ian.
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.
Excuse me, is it you or my coffee that’s getting my heart rate up?
Q. What do swine use to chat up a date?
A. Pig-Up Lines!
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
There was a fish who wanted to be a broadcaster...
Until he went on air.
Getting tired of all this laundry. I’m going to throw the towel in.
Native Americans used to have their own professional tennis tournaments, and provided free housing to players from other tribes. They called it the A Tee Pee Tour. (No disrespect to Native Americans!)
Why did the old woman fall into the well?
Because she couldn’t see that well.
I just want to take you out to brunch and shower you with quiches.
A strawberry feels most comfortable in its py-jam-as.
What did one lightbulb say to the other lightbulb on Valentine’s Day?
I love you watts.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Why are hands so reliable?
Because you can always count on them.
I walked past Mozart's grave.
He was sitting up, shouting "Braaiinnss" and ripping up all his music.
I guess he's a decomposer now.
I tried looking up ice cream puns on the Internet...
But then my browser froze.
You know why theater people say "break a leg" instead of good luck?
Because if you do, you'll end up in a cast!
What game do bats like to play with birds?
Bat-mington.
When god gave out bodies, he did it in alphabetical order.
GOD: And to you, horse, I give you a golden mane, great strength and speed, and a giant gait. You will be the noblest of beasts, and men will love you.
HORSEFLY (next in line): Oh man this is gonna be gooood.
Name the subject that is most fruitiest among others. History because of it huge number of dates.
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
How do ghosts stay fit? By exorcising daily.
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
This coffee is too strong. How about a kiss because you are the only sugar I need.
What did the swimming pool say to the skimmer?
Leaf me alone!
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
I feel a bit bad for making blanket statements.....
They're my quilty pleasure
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
Did you hear about the fruit who was convicted of armed robbery?
“Now he’s a waterfelon.”
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your doorstep? Matt. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Bob.
Don't fret because
you're one year older.
But if you need
a caring shoulder
Mine's right here,
So have a cry.
Although I can't
imagine why?
You're aging
gracefully, you know?
And getting wiser
as you go.
What did Santa name his dog? Santa Paws!
You and I make a deluxe combo.
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called SWAT team.
How the tree introduce themselves to the dentist?
“Implant”
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
What do 99 percent of pigs ask for on their hamburgers? Piggles.
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
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