My mom is really soup-rised at the outcome when she puts yeast in the broth.
Got a cow helping me cut the grass. He's a lawn mooer.
I will always cherish my initial misconceptions of you.
My golf number may not be that good but my phone number sure is!
I was going to joke about my broken pencil, but it was pointless.
What do you call a handsome seal?
Mr. Seal Yo Girl.
Son, your mother died. It happened when she choked on her dinner from laughing.
You could say I have a killer sense of humor.
Wanted to use a cheesy pickup line but toBrianna-st with you, I think puns are sort of ovedone
Sorry, I had a pick up line for you but I got so distracted by your beauty.
Where does a camel go after he's eaten his main course? He walks straight to the desert trolley.
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.
What do you get when you put the number 3.14 in the middle of the onions? You get o-pi-nions!
Have you ever driven a boat? Try to park it on my dock.
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
If I wrote a cookbook, you'd be the featured recipe.
A man has found water while digging in his backyard. For many years, he used the water at home saving tons of money until one day, the water stopped flowing. So he dug a little bit further and found water again and used it for years until it also dried up. This time, he went further, brought a digging machine, and dug a deeper hole until he found water.
Neighbors, annoyed by the noise, called the local sheriff who arrives to check what was happening in the backyard. The sheriff discovering the scene in the backyard says:
"Well, well, well ... What have we got here?"
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
49. What does a child car play with?
Toy-otas.
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
Just been to the funeral of a close friend who died when he was hit in the head by a tennis ball
Great service.
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
When the peach pit farewell to his friend, he said, "See you later, peach out".
What’s Austrian and took over France?
Croissants.
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
Q. Where do lady gorillas go for a wild weekend night out?
A. Chimpendale's.
It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.
Even though Jake was a heartthrob Casanova, he just had to break up with his long-time watermelon vending girlfriend; said she was always melondramatic about everything.
I heard that burglars used grass to pick a lock and gain entry to a local house, but the evidence may have been planted.
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
What is a nerdy alligator’s favorite programming language?
Jaw-va.
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
Hold up, I don't want to fall for anyone else but you, so let me tie my shoes now.
Do you like the internet? Because I can put you on there if you come back to my place.
Why did the mommy and daddy werewolves call their son “Camera”?
Because he was always snapping at things!
What do you call solid gold bananas? A bunch of money.
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
I can't stand people who don't wash their hands.
They make me sick.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Theodore.
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t open, so I knocked.
What kind of a car does a crazy man drive? A LOCOmotive.
Are you Broca’s aphasia? Because you leave me speechless…
How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.
What do you call Spider-Man at his full potential
Petest Parkest.
“If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." ~Author Unknown
What pillow set do the church organist and his wife have?
Hymn and Hers.
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
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