“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
People in Iran are scared of spiders
But in Iraq, no phobia.
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
When I play my violin it always sounds like it's crying
It's must be too highly strung
Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before.
Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
What kind of elf lives in a soda can?
A Sprite!
Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
You are the best, I feel so peachy when I am with you!
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig?
A boar constrictor.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
I need more than 140 characters to tell you how beautiful you are.
What happens when you’re alone and you get too cold.
You’re totally ice-olated.
Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.
Hey baby, I think I'm going blind. Because I can't see you anymore.
Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Why did the pineapple’s phone die? It needed juice.
Love me do
What did the flower say when her son went off to college?
I be-leaf in you.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
At the end of the year, there is always a rock n’ bowl concert where everyone gets entertained.
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
What do you see? [Nothing]. That’s my life without you.
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig!
I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep!
Fortunately, I was only grazed.
Now that it's summer, we've got to seas the day!
I'm good at manicures but bad at languages.
Although I think I would nail Polish.
What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A plumpkin!
I asked my nectarine friend how she was doing after her break up and she said 'It's the pits, man.'
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'
did you hear the one about the sheep in car wreck?
it was baaad.
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
What is the most expensive kind of fish?
The goldfish.
Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
What do you call the Earth when it is quaking?
Shakesphere.
hat’s the most sophisticated kind of bread?
The upper crust.
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
Q. What's on display at the Canadian Moose Museum?
A. Mod deer 'n art.
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