What did the Spanish fireman call his two sons?
José and Hose-B.
What always goes up whenever the rain comes down? An umbrella.
What do you call a very religious person that sleep walks? a Roman Catholic
Why was the pine tree always in trouble? It kept being knotty.
What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.
How do you get rid of a witch’s hex?
Draw a hex-a-gone.
May I tie your shoe?
Because I can't have you fall for anyone else.
What is the only animal smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee!
It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.
I know you're busy today, but can you add me to your to-do list?
What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.
Ariel spent the weekend alone because she was feeling a little crabby.
How does Big Foot find his way through the deepest darkest forests?
He just follows the big footpath!
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
It's a-boat time for a holiday!
Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.
Why was the food critic fired?
They didn't reference their sauces
What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
Mom: Did you watch the movie with the little pumpkins?
Dad: I stopped it early because it was too gourdy for me.
Did you hear about the piglets who wanted to do something special for Mother’s Day?
They threw a sowprize party.
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
Hey girl, are you a faulty French press because I’d like to be burned by you and recall you afterward.
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
I want to tell you one more painful phone pun but I decided it's uncalled for.
If your doctor tells you to go on a low sodium diet, do you take his advise with a grain of salt?
Have you seen the new movie with the Dachshund?
Apparently it’s an Oscar Weiner.
A big black bug bit a big black dog on his big black nose!
During holidays, soccer referees send their families yellow cards.
What do the squirrels do when they are bored ?
watch NutFlix
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
What is a giraffe’s favorite fruit?
Necktarines.
Of all the best pieces of wolf advice, this is my favorite, “stand fur what you believe”
Why did the cow fall down while being milked? Because the rug was pulled out from udder it.
Built up some confidence to reach out…hope you don’t igNora me
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
Do you squat here often?
"You are so bottlefull to me."
“In spring we are on Earth; in summer we are on Earth; in autumn we are on Earth, but in winter we are in another planet; winter is another planet!” — Mehmet Murat ildan
The best punishment to give orange kids is getting them canned. This is the only way to prevent them from going bad.
What kind of fish do skeletons like to eat?
Carpals.
Why do horses make good lawyers?
Attention to de-tail.
Say what you want about waiters, but I think they bring a lot to the table.
After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.
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