What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
I would like to take a moment and thank my eyeballs.
Thanks for looking out for me.
Tigers are probably the most roarsome animal ever created!
Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
What’s a glow worms favourite song?
Wake me up before you glow glow!
Q: What is a dentist's favorite animal?
A: A molar bear!
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
I whale always love you.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
Even Mozart couldn't make a composition as beautiful as you
What do you call it when 13 preschoolers have just had their juice?
A Daycare's Buzzin'.
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
Can I take a picture of you so Santa knows what I want for Christmas?
I tried to build myself an armchair, but I messed up some of the measurements and made it too wide.
So near, and yet sofa
Did you hear about the artist that has been drawing very small, colorful noodles?
He drew an itsy, bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow, polka dot linguini.
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
What's all wet and likes to shake? It's an earthquake on a rainy day.
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving Day jokes.
I told them I couldn’t stop cold turkey
You must be a bowling ball since you’re right up my alley.
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."
When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"
"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
Did you fall from heaven? Because so did Satan.
The scarecrow won an award because it had been excellent in its field.
Do you know which the most favourite type of fruit of trees is? The pine – apple.
Why did the insomniac man get arrested? He resisted a rest
There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.
Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.
'I've lost five dollars,' sobbed Johnny.
'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.'
Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever.
'Now what is it ?' asked his dad.
'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten dollars!'
Oranges rarely pass driving tests, this is because they keep on peeling out.
What did Abel yell to his brother when he noticed a storm coming?
Hurry, Cain!!
What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move? The road!
Why don’t you see an ocean in school?
They just can’t wade through all that homework.
If your doctor tells you to go on a low sodium diet, do you take his advise with a grain of salt?
Nothing runs a pun like bad spelling, accept poor grammar's.
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
Say this aloud: Eye Yam Stew Peed
Do you comma here often?
I do not want your candy, what I want is your number.
My daughter picked up a piece of fruit and asked, "Is this a pear?"
"No," I replied, "there is only one."
What sport does a cat play? Hairball!
Q. Why was the lady baboon so atrracted to the big gorilla?
A. 'Cause he had s*x ape-peal.
Why did Prince Charming take the Thanksgiving Turkey to the ball instead of Cinderella?
The turkey was already dressed.
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money." ~ Henny Youngman
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
My friend was telling me about how a shark attacked her while she was diving
I told her, that bites.
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