The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
How do you type the word "Royalty" on a keyboard?
You start with the higher R key.
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
Why did the horse go to jail?
The prosecutors failed to show the burden of hoof.
Are you the sun?
Because you should stay 93 million miles away from me.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
We had an argument on our way back from the tournament. Our position is that their goal was stopping ours.
What happened to the girl's phone when she was getting a perm done? She got a frizzy signal.
I felt so guilty after I stepped on that worm this morning. You should have seen it, it looked genuinely crushed.
I asked the Korean grocer for something to spice up my meals, but I think I got a raw dill.
I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda
It was a Fanta sea.
Are you Siri? As a result of your autocomplete feature
Did you hear about the girl who put gorilla glue in her hair?
Her stupidity knew no bonds
Why are super loud sounds bad for your ears?
It hertz your eardrums.
Hold the sugar, please. You're sweet enough for me.
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
I do not want anything fancy just you and a whole bowl of chocolate ice cream.
Are you Vietnamese? Cause I'm falling pho you.
My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by lying in bed all day.
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years!
Why didn’t the skeleton laugh at the joke?
Because he didn’t have a funny bone.
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
Need an ark?
I noah guy.
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
They say that the cardio system is the work of artery, but it is really just vein.
The only difference between a band teacher and a banned teacher
is what they were bangin
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
Are you a fidget spinner? Because the last time I had fun with you was forever ago and I’m not really interested in touching you anymore. I’m pretty sure you were just a phase and now I’d really like to get you out of my house and forget it ever happened.
My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight
But that's ok. It was acci-dental.
A homicide detective walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Hey look at those birds outside," the bartender comments to him. "Did you know that a group of crows like that is called a murder?"
"Well you can't be sure that's a murder," the detective says. "Unless there is probable caws."
I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.
Still can't get the last of that ketchup out.
Was that an earthquake or did you just rock my world?
She fell into the bath tub.
she fell into the sink.
she fell into the rasberry jam.
and came out pink!
Anyone who is born in a car and dies outside is known as car born die oxide.
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
Give me just a FRACTION of your heart and I will SOLVE all of your problems.
Did you hear about the croc and rooster that had a kid together?
It was a crocadoodledoo.
What did Sophocles call his dating service in Ancient Greece?
Oedipal Arrangements.
Our love started with a Hershey’s Kiss.
I'm considering becoming a cinematografur.
Why are neuroanatomy classes the smartest?
They have lots of brains.
"Just one hot chick."
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve got 3 bags of Cool Ranch Doritos in your basket. Marry me?
My wife said the stretch marks on her legs looked like lightning bolts...
So I said, that's because you have thunder thighs.
Wow, two teaspoons? Lucky for you, I’m a pretty good spooner myself.
When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
Aren’t you supposed to be on top of that tree? Because you’re a star.
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