There is nothing impaws-sible if you’re as brave as a tiger!
If you want a loyal marriage, get hitched to a basketball player. He will never pass you, rather he will keep you all to himself.
Which soccer position does a Ghost play? Ghoulkeeper, of course.
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear
Where is a basketball player's favorite place to eat?
Dunkin' Donuts
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad.
Does it come with window dressing?
Why do math teachers love parks so much?
Because of all the natural logs.
What side of the tree contains the most leaves? The outside, of course.
Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance? Because he had no-body to go with.
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
Why do bears have sticky fur?
Because they use honey combs.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
Why did the dinosaurs go extinct? Because they wouldn't take a bath!
My sinks been on deaths door for the past week or so...
I finally decided to pull the plug.
"How does it feel?"
she asks what.
"To be the only star in the sky.'
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
Roses are green,
Violets are blue,
I’m colorblind.
How do werewolves stop a video?
They press the paws button.
Why are winter days great?
They’re snow much fun!
You look so good, it's like you have a permanent photoshop filter on.
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein
How does a suit put his child into bed?
He tux him in.
Me: I think I'll take a dip in the pool.
Lifeguard: What ya got there?
Me: Hummus.
Why did the bees go on strike? Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers.
What's your name? Because I'll be screaming it all night long.
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
My uncles petshop really started doing well when he started selling parrots. They literally flew off the shelves.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
How do you tranfer funds even faster than electronic banking? By getting Married.
It's my ambition to see a great white shark before I die.
Just not RIGHT before I die.
What did the bat say when she was invited to dinner?
No, fangs. I just ate.
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
Crows hold grudges. They're also fond of eating the dead. Now...
they've been found to copulate with corpses.
NeCROWphilia.
That skeleton over there wanted to ask you for your number, but, unlike me, he didn’t have the guts
What's a cow's favorite moosical note? Beef-flat
Why was the teenager deer a bad driver?
He didn’t want to use the deering wheel.
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.”
— Julio Alexi Genao
Like the ideal vacuum, you’re the only thing in my universe.
Why will you never meet an ice cream workaholic?
They know how to chill out.
What do you call a stolen yam? A hot potato.
"Darling, you're on fire. Like doughnut grease."
- Duck Dynasty
what do you call the smaller rivers that run into the nile?
The juveniles
Gold riddance.
Why did Dracula take cold medicine in winter? To stop his coffin.
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
What does a cat lady say on Friday night?
I am drinking wine and feline fine!
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