Q: What made the green pea turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors?
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.
Still can't get the last of that ketchup out.
What was Santa's best subject in school? Chemistree.
What streets do zombies live on?
Dead ends.
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
What is a con artist's truck towed with?
A pickup line
Bananas, for breakfast, are such an a-peeling choice.
You must be mitochondria because you are the powerhouse of my heart.
How about we drop the gloves and go at it?
Linda-Lou Lambert Loves Lemon Lollipop Lipgloss.
Thank god I'm wearing gloves because you are too hot to handle.
What stat do the Miami Dolphins lead every single year?
All Porpoise Yardage!
After a tiring day at work, my wife drew me a relaxing bath. It wasn't very smart of me to ask if it was going to be in color or a sketch.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
What kind of chips do you eat in the bath?
Shower cream and onion.
I hate it when planes don't have free WiFi.
It drives me bored air line crazy.
What would a peach say to its girlfriend or boyfriend? – “You will always have a peach of my heart, baby!”
How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
My shampoo bottle was empty. I turned to the only other bottle in the shower and said, "help me body wash...
You're my only soap!"
I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
Can’t believe I’ve gone this long in my life without Ben by your side
What spread do astronauts use on their toast?
. . . Space jam
Hey there cyclist, I wheelie like you!
Why do old artists never die? They just withdraw.
Are you a lion of the sea? Because I’m sure, I’ll see you in my bed tonight, lion.
What is the biggest type of bed ?
The sea bed.
Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.
I saw a sheep covered in plastic
It was lambinated.
I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my home-grown barley.
My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains.
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
Why did the coffee call the police? Because it was mugged.
Why did the computer break up with the internet? There was no "Connection".
Where do most horses work for their first job?
Re-tail stores.
How do you get a mouse to smile? Say cheese!
Are you an alarm clock? Because I want to kill you.
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
What words do windmills live by? One good turn deserves another!
Recently, my friend had his ankle bone crack.
I told him he shouldn't be so broken up over it.
I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.
Go to BabaMail
