Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.
My father cooked us mushrooms. Later he asked "Having fun guys"?
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
I need a date; do you know where I could find one?
The skeleton was scared of going skiing, he didn’t want to wrist it.
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Also Did you utilize Canada's public healthcare system to help ease that pain?
What do you do when you are in the wrong seat?
Stand corrected
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
What pickup line did the flower use on Tinder?
Are you a DAMNdelion?
"I hate tacos!"
Said no Juan ever.
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
Dr. Phil says that I am afraid of a commitment. Do you want to prove him wrong?
What do you call a Viking who is really good at basketball?
a Vallhalla Balla.
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
Q. Which deer prison is escape proof?
A. Elk-atraz.
What kind of dog did Frankenstein want for Christmas?
A lab.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
How did the sheep farmer become best in his field?
Shear luck.
Hi, I'm Mr. Right.
Thinking about selling my crab so i could make money. Then I realised "am I really this shellfish"?
What do you call a potato that smokes weed? A baked potato.
My friend was explaining at length how he was digging holes in his backyard for water.
He was boring.
Can I give you a hug to show you how soft my sweater is?
When I heard my sofa had been stolen, I thought “I’m not going to take this sitting down”.
Why do you never see owls being affectionate in the rain? It's too wet to woo.
What did the big stag deer say to the hunter?
“Buck off, man!”
It’s so cold the local graveyard put heaters out for the ghosts.
What kind of jokes do you make in the shower? Clean Jokes!
Hey girl, I've got an extensive collection of solution manuals. Can I get your number?
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
Do you know what the common thing between a pineapple and a king is? Both of them wear a crown proudly on their top.
What do sloths make when it snows? Slow Angels.
What is a hair stylist's favorite steak? A flat iron!
Why do bears have fur coats?
Because they look silly wearing jackets.
The aspiring comedian has an unbe-leaf-able collection of autumn jokes, but they are all falling flat.
I know I’m not supposed to judge a book by its cover, but one glance at you and I’m already interested.
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
If H20 is in the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside ?
K9P.
I can keep increasing the resistance on my bike, but I just can't resist you.
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
I have to say “Hi” to the prettiest girl in the room… can you help me say “Hi” to that girl over there?
What do you call a depressed vegetable
Despairagus.
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
Dracula always read the best selling local newspaper because he heard that it had a good circulation.
Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle.
“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander
What is fog's favorite drink? Mountain Dew
And yes, gnomes are always trying to get to first base with the ladies.
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