Mom, what do we have for dinner? I cannot tell you, son, it is a soup-rise! Is it soup? I soup-pose it would be.
How do you pronounce Jasmine? Because in my head it’s “Jas-MINE”.
What do fish use to weigh themselves?
Scales!
Why do words and punctuation end up in court? To be sentenced.
What’s every ice cream parlor owner’s side hustle?
Sundae school teacher.
My wife was watching me do some DIY and she said I hammer like lightning.
I never strike in the same place twice.
I have no idea how to raise chickens.
I think I’ll just wing it.
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
Gold riddance.
What has 4 wheels and flies?
Garbage truck
Why did the kraken eat 5 ships that were carrying potatoes?
Because nobody can eat just one potato ship.
"Want to come see my HARD DRIVE? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't floppy."
Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.
What do you get when you cross a pickle with an alligator?
A crocodill.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
Let’s spend some koala-ty time with each other.
Though my brother won the art competition, he went up to his rival and gave him the credit where it was hue!
What do you call a baby monkey? A Chimp off the old block.
“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
White wine costs less,
Than dinner for two.
Did you hear about the mother goat telling jokes?
She’s a real kidder.
What cheesy dip do deer love to eat?
Fawn-due.
How do you know when a bike is thinking?
You can see its wheels turning.
A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
What do werewolf like for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
Hey there cyclist, want to go on a morning ride?
Why did the ghost decide to become a vegan?
Because it's super natural.
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer and a mop.
If two vampires have a race, will it be neck and neck?
What did the mushroom say after the car accident? Help I’m a truffle!
Look Honey, a cactus!
I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving!
Why didn't the lemon juice like the soap?
Because he was basic.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”
What do you call a giant mushroom? Hu-fungus.
What's green and pecks on trees?
Woody Wood Pickle.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
"Look, our relationship is like doing push ups on your knees. It's just not working out"
How do comedians like their eggs?
Funny side up.
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
They say that I’m not good enough for you,
And perhaps what they say just might be true.
They tell you to leave me and cast me aside,
To lock all the doors and kick me outside.
But I’ve got one last plea to say in the end,
I’m not the only one who forgot the name of his girlfriend!
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"
Why did the orange help the old lady cross the road?
To do a random act of rindness.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence
What do you call a thirsty bee?
Beehydrated
Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.
Why don't gorillas vote?
They're ape-political.
If only thanksgiving was every month
A feast I would enjoy
But then I got to thinking
My diet it would destroy.
But the food we eat at Thanksgiving,
The turkey and the pumpkin pie
It is all so good and tasty,
To say otherwise is a lie.
And, then there are the relatives
Who gather each year
Some of them drive me crazy
But really they are all so dear.
Maybe it is good that
Thanksgiving only comes once a year
It makes us realize
That Christmas is near.
- Catherine Pulsifer
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