Why don’t cars enjoy long drives?
They find them a drag.
Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle?
It’s Eeleagle.
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
How does a crab go when it's right?
"Aw, snap!"
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
Man: I'd go to the ends of the world for you!
Woman: Okay, but would you stay there?
What is an owl’s favorite Beatles’ song?
Owl you need is love.
I'm like acetaminophen. I'll make sure all your pains go away when we're together.
What is the highest compliment a zombie can receive?
- Wow, you're in Grave condition!
Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree that’s draped in bacon. “A bacon tree ! We’re saved!” He says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.
It wasn’t a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
Why do ice cream cones always carry an umbrella?
There’s a chance of sprinkles.
On reflection, vampires aren't actually that scary.
Why did the kangaroo hesitate?
He didn’t want to jump to a conclusion.
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
My funny guy, when I look at you,
Making faces, as you do,
To make me giggle, and keep me happy,
When I’m feeling down or sad or cr****,
I see someone who’s man enough
To just be silly, instead of tough
To give me gladness, bliss and joy,
That’s my man; that’s my big boy.
Happy birthday to the man
Who makes me laugh, because he can.
Everyone loves my Halloween costume, but I still see room for improvement.
I guess I'm an ogre-achiever.
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
Did you hear about the guy who got killed by a bear?
It was a grizzly death.
What's the difference between Cloepatra and King Arthur?
One had Camelot and one had a lot of camels.
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws.
Why did the citrus fruit join the military?
“Because it was a navel orange.”
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
Who is a ghoul’s favorite family member?
Mummy!
What plant do both Spaniards and French agree is the best?
Seaweed.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
What’s a goat’s favorite TV show?
America’s Goat Talent.
So my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying "Sorry, this isn't working."
Then I opened the fridge and it was still working. Phew, I thought something bad is going to happen today.
Oh me, oh Jeremiah, that is one great face you have there
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.
What’s a skeleton’s second favorite instrument?
A sax-a-bone.
What do you call a goat swimming in the sea?
Billy Ocean.
It’s so hot that my chocolate milk is now hot cocoa.
What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?
Van Stay.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
Angel food cake, of course!
Just had Lobster Bisque for the first time!
It was souper good!
I gave my wife that new gorilla glue chapstick...🦍💄
It left her speechless
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a watermelon by it’s diameter? Watermelon PI.
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
Where do light bulbs go shopping? The outlet stores.”
Did your parents work on The Manhattan Project? Because you’re the bomb!
You’re as sweet as a flower, and not a daisy goes by when I don’t think of you.
If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me, he would have an extra $50.
"Remember when I asked you out? Well, I was talking to the girl behind you"
Go to BabaMail
