My dog got a promotion.
She’s now a branch manager.
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
How did the fire ant feel after the rain storm flooded his home?
Very put out, indeed!
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
The ruddy widow really wants ripe watermelon and red roses when winter arrives.
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
Did you hear about the giant who threw up?
It's all over town!
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
There was an Old Man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a flea;
When he said, 'I will scratch it,'
They gave him a hatchet,
Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.
Why don't skeletons play baseball?
Because they don't have the heart for it.
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
What did the swimming pool say to the skimmer?
Leaf me alone!
With long legs like yours, you don't need high heels.
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ears
Ears who?
Ears another knock knock jokes for you!
When the baseball team chose an owl masot, did they get a designated hooter?
Why did the werewolf laugh while chewing on the skeleton?
He got to the funny bone.
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
What did the pony say to the Jedi Knight before she left on her adventure?
“May the horse be with you.”
Why did the werewolf need to talk with the skeleton?
He had a bone to pick with him.
What's green and hangs from trees? Dinosaur snot.
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
At dinner tonight my mother in law asked why my sons knife had a bend in it
I told her it’s so he can cut corners
A bear covered in a bunch of crows gives the picture of a grizzly murder.
Did you get a side of hummus?
It's a hummuside.
Why did the jazz musician refuse to be quarantined?
Cause he was an outdoor cat.
Why did the dog walk in to the saloon?
He was looking for the man who shot his paw
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.
Why was the horse a great editor?
She was very thorough bred.
How did the serve know when the bad serve was not with the hand? The server knew it was the foot fault.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A LAMBorghini
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications
You should go in the water, cuz you're so hot you're on fire!
Why did the hipster burn his lips?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
What did the seal say to the walrus after dating him for three months?
I think we should sea otter people.
It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.
Without you, my life is as empty as the supermarket shelf.
I always knock on the fridge before opening it.
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
I look at you and all the facts
I can't believe your age and how you act.
The number might suggest your old
That you should be shriveled and full of mold.
But, hey look at you
You're young in all you do
The number doesn't mean a thing
As long as you can still sing.
So may this little rhyme and verse
Be one that you don't curse.
Smile and be happy today
Remember, it's your birthday!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
What music are balloons scared of? Pop music
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