When the unicorn lost his job, there was nothing funny about being canned corn anymore.
Where do cows go on December 31st?
A moo year’s eve party.
I'm Sneaky Bill, I'm terrible and mean and vicious,
I steal all the cashews
from the mixed-nut dishes.
I eat all the icing but I won't touch the cake,
And what you won't give me,
I'll go ahead and take.
I gobble up the cherries from everyone's drinks,
And whenever there are sausages
I grab a dozen links;
I take both drumsticks if
there's turkey or chicken,
And the biggest strawberries
are what I'm pickin';
I make sure I get the finest chop on the plate,
And I'll eat the portions of anyone's who's late.
I'm always on the spot before the dinner bell--
I guess I'm pretty awful
but
I
do
eat
well!
(William Cole)
What do you call writing a book about breeding bats to pull carriages? A wheely bat idea.
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
What did the Spanish fireman call his two sons?
José and Hose-B.
I beacha miss summer already!
You can pick your friends or you can pick your nose...
but you can't pick your friend's nose.
I like your tight end
What do you call a Mexican unicorn? Junicorn.
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? Chicken Caesar Salad
Why did the frog lose his job on the mushroom farm? He stole the toads-tool.
Federer is such a legend that they named the Roger’s Cup, and Fed Cup after him.
What do you call a buffet for sheep?
All you can bleat!
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
I was talking to a barn owl last night, when I mentioned that I'd just got engaged.
He said, "You twit! To who?"
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle? – An Orange County Chopper.
Q: Doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound.
A: Then answer the phone!
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
When the student had asked the History teacher what questions will be there for the History exam, she answered, "The Past."
Hi, you’re so beautiful you made me forget my pick up line. Would you settle for just flowers?
Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Gorgeousaurus.
Did you hear about the Irishman killed with a garden gnome?
It was a knick-knack paddywhack.
I for one
is something you might do if you had a broken keyboard
How long did it take Lancelot to cross the road?
All knight.
What did the orange say before he started his new job?
“The zest is yet to come!”
Why don't you reach in and grab some popcorn?
Where do fashionable ghosts shop for sheets? Bootiques.
What does the watermelon say to its girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? – “You are one in a melon!”
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
I asked what the lion in my wardrobe was doing.
He said it was Narnia business
My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
What do you call a cold, angry pig? A ham-brr-grr.
Q. Where can you view sculptures and paintings created by deer?
A. At the art moose-seum.
Unbelievably there was yet another truck crash, this time it was carrying Vicks VapoRub. There was no congestion for the rest of the day.
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
Permit me to restructure the periodic table of elements and I would place U and I together.
Sorry, but I can only be with you twice.
That's Now...and Forever.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
What did the beach say to the tide when it came in?
Long time, no sea.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.
I tried to milk my cow last night, but nothing I did seemed to work. It was an udder failure.
How do lions greet people?
"Pleased to eat you!"
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