My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
The arrogant baker declared, “You’ll never hear a complaint about my doughnuts outside this shop window.”
The customer agreed, “It must be the double glazing.”
What kind of hat does a skeleton wear at Easter?
A Bone-et.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
Who is the worm's Prime Minister? Maggot Thatcher.
When you look really closely...
all mirrors look like eyeballs.
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
What did the deer say to his friend during their night in the woods?
This is so much fawn!
What language do things that fly in the sky speak....
Plane english
What is the definition of a slug? A snail with a housing problem!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
What did the tree tell the drill? You bore me.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
I went to the backyard this morning and saw a bird of prey drinking a pumpkin spice latte.
It was a millennial falcon.
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
What kind of milk do people drink in Mexico? Soy milk.
Why does Satan not eat the bread part of the pizza?
Because he's the Anti-Crust!
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
Pad kid poured curd pulled cod.
What is a skeleton’s favorite type of film to watch?
A spine-tingler.
Did you hear the joke about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head!
Would you call a hardy unicorn that survived disease an immunicorn?
You look like my future ex wife.
"Say you'll be wine."
I tried to tell a joke about towels...
But people don’t like my dry humor.
Have you ever tried crossing a lion with a flamingo? It will be pink, that’s the mane thing.
Hey cutie, I Sense you have a lot of Sensibility. Was that too Austen-tatious of me to point out?
Do you know why an octopus is so good at Football?
It gets ten tackles a play.
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
What do you call two pears?
A pair.
I found out yesterday that the Mexican dish ghosts like the most is a boo-ritto.
I like your wart, want to see a few of mine?
"Another glass? Wine not?!"
Did you hear that the singer Seal left a night club event because of the revellers sharing derogatory poems about him?
He was dissed by the prose at a rave.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.
"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
What hotel do cheese lover’s stay in?
The Stilton.
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
My entire family keeps asking why I’m still single. Want to help me change that?
Why should you bake bacon on an asteroid on its way to Earth ?
It's meteor.
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