How do you get a raise at the bread factory?
Butter up your boss.
What do you call a pianist who throws trash everywhere?
Litterachi.
It’s the most wonderful time for a beer.
A detective recently came into town to visit the new sushi restaurant
He heard there was a fishy business.
Q. What do you call a gorilla who studies large primates and has great grades?
A. Ape lust student.
Which fish is the most famous? The starfish.
Mom: *Struggling to make a decision between 1% or 2%.
Dad: Milk up your mind!
Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested?
He was released without charge.
Why Was The Teacher Annoyed With The Duck?
Because he wouldn't quit quackin' jokes!
"The Full Moon is a natural furnomenon," said the werewolf.
What do koalas use when they’re doing yard work? A wheelbearow.
What happened to the football team that practiced in a corn field?
They got creamed!
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
What do you call sad coffee?" Despresso.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
What’s the first thing a gorilla learns in school? The ape b c’s.
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
An electrolyte and a solvent are talking in jail.
Solvent: What are you in for?
Electrolyte: A salt charge.
What’s the great white shark’s favorite candy?
Jaw-Breakers.
An unlucky skydiver's last pun: 'Ah chute!'
What do you call a large group of sick pandas?
A Pandamic.
What’s a Chinese bear’s favorite organ of the body?
The panda-creas.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? A. Milk and quackers!
Sorry, But You Owe Me A Drink. Well, When I Saw You, I Dropped Mine.
Interesting fact: A nectarine can also be a peach if it does not have peach fuzz.
Do you know which the most favourite type of fruit of trees is? The pine – apple.
Gobbling gorgoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
Who directs all of the movies about volleyball injuries? Spike Lee.
I'm surprised you all aren't talking more about that drug with the side effect of making scalps wrinkled.
I mean, it's been making a LOT of head lines.
I give roughing a whole new definition.
A lion would never play golf.
But a Tiger Wood.
What was the worm doing in the cornfield?
He was going in one ear and out the other!
Even after a decade or two, I think we will all remember this year forever.
I mean, hindsight is 2020.
You know why vampires can raise ghouls?
Because they are neck romancers!
Jehovahs witnesses don’t celebrate halloween
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming to their door
Why was the slice of bread upset with her husband?
He told her she was being too kneady.
I would totally carve your pumpkin.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
"You'd better be a cardiologist because something about you makes me want to give you my heart."
- Grey's Anatomy
I wasn’t sure if I should make the first move… but I was raised to never Jack down from an opportunity
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”
What do we call a scientist who specializes in pineapples? He might be called a pineappleologist!
Reindeer don't go to school—they're elf taught.
What do you get when you cross a lion with a parrot?
I don't know, but when it talks, you better listen.
What does the ski bum do when the chairlift line is too long?
He's gondola top of the mountain.
Why was the square dance fiddler arrested for smuggling?
Because of his contra band...
If we raced, I would let you win, so I could get a good view from the back.
Some people like beer goggles. I prefer wine glasses.
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