The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.

Are you the one who signed up for the pee club?
Because if so, urine.

Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs!

I lost my wrist watch somewhere near my house.
Now it’s the neighborhood watch.

What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo?
A booffalo.

Professor: "What's a hydraulic ram used for?" "It's where you get steel wool!"

What do stylish frogs wear?
Jumpsuits.

Without you, my life is as empty as the supermarket shelf.

One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."

What do you call meat balls falling from the sky? A meat-ior shower.

"If I Were In Charge Of The World"

If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel oatmeal,
Monday mornings,
Allergy shots, and also Sara Steinberg.

If I were in charge of the world
There'd be brighter nights lights,
Healthier hamsters, and
Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.

If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have lonely.
You wouldn't have clean.
You wouldn't have bedtimes.
Or "Don't punch your sister."
You wouldn't even have sisters.

If I were in charge of the world
A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
All 007 movies would be G,
And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
And sometimes forgot to flush,
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.

– Judith Viorst

I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'

What’s a balanced diet like?
A slice of cake in each hand!

How do you make Ohio State University cookies? Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.

Why did the bat look for a job?
She was tired of hanging around.

How did the rabbit become a wrestling champion? It had a lot of hare pins!

I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.
He doesn’t have a Clue.

Can’t believe I’ve gone this long in my life without Ben by your side

Sorry if this is extra cheesy, but you have a pizza my heart.

“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Why are Siberian tigers so happy at Christmas time? Because it is snowy, and they get to look like white tigers.

If you can't beat them...
Just have your eggs fried.

What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly? It barked with de-light!

"I Love to Hate You"

Just one look at you
Tempting me, teasing me, tormenting me
I hate the feelings you evoke
Greed
Desire
Lust
Just want to hold you, devour you
I don’t want to see you go
But I can never resist the last chocolate in the box!

— Jan Allison

What do you give a dog with a fever?… Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog.

What is the most sophisticated class of bread?
The upper crust.

“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie

Are you a mountain climber? ‘Cause you really peaked my interest.

You're embarrassed by my dense pickup lines? OK, I won't continuum. I'll be more discrete.

If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.

How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.

Why do all the boats in Scandinavia have barcodes on the sides of them?
It makes it easier to... scan da navy in.

How much does a corn flake weigh?
1 Kelloggram.

Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.

What happened when the turkey got into a fight? He got the stuffing knocked out of him!

Damn girl, I must be reading a book because you are FINE print.

Girl, if we were lymphocytes, you’d be a natural killer.

Why are alligators long and green?
Because if they were small and red, they would be tomatoes.

Did you hear about the football team that drafted a vending machine?
They really needed a quarter back!

What was the worst crime in the tree kingdom? Tree-son.

"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard

There’s snow one like you.

What does an owl need after having a bath?
A t-owl.

I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"

I replied, "Exactly!"

What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?
PEW PEW

What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.

The feeling you get when you think you have heard these cow puns before is known as deja-mooo.

Mom, what do we have for dinner? I cannot tell you, son, it is a soup-rise! Is it soup? I soup-pose it would be.

Sorry for raining on your parade, I really thought it'd be snow problem.