I tried to write funny love poems for you,
I attempted as well some cute and silly ones too.
But it seems I haven’t yet learned how to rhyme,
So, I beg of you, honey, please give me some time.
One of these days, I will figure it out,
Until then, I hope that you will not pout.
Trust me, my man, you really do inspire me,
I’m just not good with words, as you can plainly see.
It’s not that easy to come up with love poems, you know,
So, for now, I’ll just find another way for my love to show.
(Unknown)
Why did the horny duck circle the baseball field?
She hoped to catch some fowl balls.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
I’d hike every trail in the world if I had you next to me.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time for dinner.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
A slow poke is what you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine.
Did you know I'm the Ronaldo of lovers?
My collection of Swiss watches was stolen in Spain.
Adios Omegas.
Why do Minotaurs make terrible detectives?
Because they hate to go on steak-outs!
How do you make a mango shake?
You take it to a scary movie.
What does a posh salad shout before it's eaten?
KELP!
What is a cheese lover’s favorite type of music?
R n’ Brie.
What is a neuron's favorite television channel?
The Ion Channel
What is the best part of Valentine’s day?
The day after, when all the chocolate goes on sale.
I wonder...
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
Why don’t alligators watch movies?
Because they live in swamps.
What type of key opens a banana?
A monkey.
Hey Erin, ever heard that sharin’ is carin’? Care to share a meal together sometime?
If I were a transplant surgeon, I’d give you my heart.
A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in a chair.
The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" The blonde said. "This chair has arms"
One should never mix oranges in apple juice. Well, perhaps you may do it once in a blue moon.
I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
Where do penguins go swimming?
At the South Pool!
My wife got mad at me for playing catch with my son in the backyard
... I didn’t see the big deal until I dropped him.
One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
What did the dog order at a restaurant?
His owner’s homework.
What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."
Humpty Dumpty had a terrible summer, but he sure had a great fall.
Why are sponges such good listeners?
Because they soak up everything.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Candice.
Candice who?
Candice be love that I'm feeling?
Did the dinosaur take a bath ? Why, is there one missing?
Deja moo:
That feeling you've heard this bull before.
My mom likes to feed everyone the soup she makes. She said it is her broth right.
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
Can I get your number?
One call, that's all.
. How can you easily identify a dogwood tree? By listening to the bark.
What does a Saudi bee call its bros?
Habibees.
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
What kind of car does a viking drive?
A fjord
I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I’ve ever seen.
Gnomes can be quite annoying when they’re indecisive. All they say is yes, gnome, maybe.
The strawberry was scared of the cream. They were afraid it had gone bad.
Roses are red, violets are blue. In all this land, there’s no lady fairer than you.
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