Why can't corona virus jokes go viral?
Because people are laughing into their elbows.
Let’s make some pour decisions.
What position does a ghoul play on the soccer team?
Ghoulie!
Where do you think the astronauts keep their sandwiches? In the launch-box.
SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.
He’s an elf-made man.
A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"
Why did the dolphin end its own life?
It was missing a porpoise.
You're so beautiful, I wish I could plant you and grow a whole field of you.
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny!
I can heartly wait to see you.
My little sister came to my room with a lighbulb in her mouth. I asked her "what in the world are you doing?"
She said "I'm having a light snack."
Have you heard about the street performer who does his act in the middle of a storm?
It's mime blowing.
"I know your feet must be tired because you've been running through my mind all day!"
- Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
Your name must be Summer because you are hot.
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
Who put the Howl in Halloween?
Not ghouls just the people they ate!
What do you call a dinosaur that's a loud sleeper? A Snore-a-sorus
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
Keep calm and carrot on.
Why couldn't the man 3D printing his face control his excitement?
He was getting a head of himself
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
"Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist."
"Who?"
"Everyone."
Why don't you reach in and grab some popcorn?
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fishually impaired.
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
What did the unicorn tell the bag of beans? U-no-corn.
Hannibal crossed the Alps because it was safer than crossing the elephants.
It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.
"Sweet Tooth Andy"
Have you heard of sweet-tooth Andy?
Makes his bed with sugar candy.
And it never fails... by dawn
all of Andy’s bed is gone.
– Denise Rodgers
What’s the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?
Seasoning.
Did you hear about the new Wifi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
I took a road trip with my girlfriend who finally confessed she needs to stop and hug every now and again to reduce anxiety.
It was touch and go from there on.
How do you catch an electric eel?
You can catch an electric eel with a lightning rod!
Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.
What’s a deer’s favorite place to get ice cream?
Deery Queen.
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
A good workman doesn't blame his fools
\*tools.
Stupid keyboard.
Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
Don't give up at this stage, just keep cawing on, you will do great.
What time does the Wicked Witch have her clocks set to?
Greenwitch Mean Time.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw
My colleague kept on missing deadlines, so I advised him not to bite off more than he can blue!
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean? Because they dropped out of school!
Want to hear a joke about weather?
Actually, never mind. I'll just save it for a rainy day.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
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