Used to never be able to use the WiFi at my farm until I moved my router to the barn.
Now I have a stable connection.
Hey, would you like to be lab partners? It would be a pleasure to do some anatomy and biology experiments with you.
What are the 3 rules of Golf? If the ball goes right it's a slice, if the ball goes left it's a hook, and it the ball goes straight it's a miracle.
Mom, what do we have for dinner? I cannot tell you, son, it is a soup-rise! Is it soup? I soup-pose it would be.
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
Q. Which Greek eggplant dish do deer really eat up?
A. Moose-aka.
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!
What did the man do when he dropped his violin?
He quartet...
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog! What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A sour puss!
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
My mother told me to leave the peach cobbler alone on the table. But I couldn't help but watch the cobbler make the beautiful peach shoes.
They had us working like dogs at work after a storm
All I did was pick up sticks and bark.
How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows because no-one ever watches the conductor.
Another term for hair that's tied up in a bun is
a hairball
What did the nut tree say when his wife left him? I walnut stand for this!
You have the prettiest smile I have ever seen.
What Welsh cheese must you always eat with caution? Caerphilly
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Aldo.
Aldo who?
Aldo anything for you.
What did the man say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster ya!
What do skeletons put in their photocopiers?
Skeletoner
What was the worst crime in the tree kingdom? Tree-son.
Why are fish so smart?
Because they live in a school.
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Rabbit.
Rabbit who?
Rabbit up carefully, it's a present!
You are the HCl to my NaOH. With our sweet love, we could make an ocean together.
What's an albino crow called? A caw-casian.
How many dinosaurs can fit in an empty box ? One . After that, the box isn't empty anymore!
You are so hot, you must be what is causing Global Warming.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
As summer approaches, I think it’s a good idea to use two deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
I'm definitely in the range of your hotspot. How about you let me connect and get full access.
I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
Then it Dawned on me.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
Don't fork-get your manners.
What flies around your light at night and can bite your head off?
A tiger moth.
What kind of car did the heart surgeon drive to work?
A beater.
Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.
I’ve started dating Medusa recently.
Our relationship rocks!
She sold six shabby sheared sheep on ship.
"I Love to Hate You"
Just one look at you
Tempting me, teasing me, tormenting me
I hate the feelings you evoke
Greed
Desire
Lust
Just want to hold you, devour you
I don’t want to see you go
But I can never resist the last chocolate in the box!
— Jan Allison
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
What do worms leave round their baths?
The scum of the earth!
"I’m Nobody! Who are you?"
I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!
– Emily Dickinson
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?
She had power and time but didn't get the work done.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
Why did the strawberry get bruised? Because it was under pear pressure.
What do you call a cow that has 2 legs? Side of beef
If you were in the jungle, and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
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