“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
What is the most sophisticated class of bread?
The upper crust.
What do you call a SWAT team of alligators?
Gator-raid.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
How do volleyball players deliver their messages? Through Air Mail.
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
I might need a doctor, because you're Dublin my heart-rate!
Which mammal absolutely loves Merlot and Cabernet?
The Wineoceros.
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
– Betty Reese
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
What word backwards can predict the future? Cookies (Seikooc as in psychic of you say it).
There was a weird Crab
Whenever he used to walk, his claws used to make a ta-ta-ta-ta sound.
Looking for a boyfriend in engineering: the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
Why are chefs so mean? They beat eggs and whip cream.
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His trousers fit him like a glove.
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis!
Poor white splash.
Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.
"The Upside-Down World"
I know a place that holds the Sky
A place where little white clouds lie;
The edge is all green as Grass,
The middle is as smooth as Glass;
And there the round sun makes his Bed;
And there a tree stands on its Head;
Sometimes a Bird sits on that Tree;
Sometimes it sings a song to me;
And always in that shining place
I see a little smiling Face;
She nods and smiles; but all the same
The Girl down there won’t tell her name.
– Hamish Hendry
What did mutter say to paneer? Tu cheese badi hai mast mast.
What do you call a group of arms?
An army.
Have you heard the joke about the giraffe’s neck?
Let me warn you, it’s a long one.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
It is only late August, yet the leaves are already turning brown. Autumn came early this year. Orange you glad?
Can’t pinch this.
What do they call Bigfoot in Europe?
Bigmeter.
Why did the Blonde go to the Apple Store? She wanted a Big Mac meal.
Don’t moss around.
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
What do you get if you cross a mouse with a Triceratops? Enormous holes in the base boards.
It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.
Babe, you are like my right temporoparietal areas: I’d be lost without you.
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the dirt, crosses the road again, and then rolls in the dirt again?
A dirty double-crossing chicken.
Why was the slice of bread upset with her husband?
He told her she was being too kneady.
I can’t believe I framed the ball in for a winner. Shank you!
My wife threatened to leave me if I didn't stop making monster puns.
So I guess our relationship might as well be ogre.
What did the Australian Chess player say about the mouldy bread?
"Stalemate."
The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
- Jack Prelutsky
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
Birthdays are sometimes hard to observe
Many people think they are for the birds.
Well, when I look at your age
I can see why you are at that stage.
Where did the years go
Another birthday, oh no
It only seemed like yesterday
We celebrated your birthday.
Oh who cares about age
Don't let it discourage
Be happy and just say
It is just another day!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
I tried wild ox milk
Turns out I'm yak-tose intolerant
Do you know how to get a raise at the bread factory? Try buttering up to the boss.
If anyone gets a suspicious email from me about canned meat, don’t open it. It’s spam!
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
If you used a keyboard with built-in speakers, you would be...?
Stereotyping.
My mind works like lightning.
One brilliant flash and it's gone.
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
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