If a flower grew every time you’d cross my mind, I’d have a field of flowers.
How hot does your gas oven get?
I’m not a bad putter…
I just can’t catch a break.
My parents always brought me up to believe the sky's the limit.
Which was a shame because I wanted to be an astronaut.
Q. Who walks around the suburbs trying to sell venison meat?
A. A deer-to-door salesmant.
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
No one likes sausage puns, they are the wurst!
Where do cows go to celebrate New Years Eve? To a meat ball!
Power naps are great. You can really build up charge with them.
There was an Old Man of the Cape,
Who possessed a large Barbary ape,
Till the ape one dark night
Set the house all alight,
Which burned that Old Man of the Cape.
If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.
What did the deer say when he left the barbershop?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
The pint’s the limit.
Why didn’t the lamp sink?
It was too light.
Are you a parking ticket? Cause you got FINE written all over you.
“What do you call an elf that runs away from Santa’s Workshop? A rebel without a Claus.”
He says to the doctor, "Help me Doc, what's the matter with me?"
The doctor replies, "That's easy. You're not eating properly."
You might not be America, but I found a whole new world with you.
While cutting the onions, my eyes were leek-ing tears
What did the snowplow guy say when his equipment broke down?
Take this job and shovel it!
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
How do French skeletons say hello?
- Bone-jour!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Broccoli.
Broccoli who?
Broccoli doesn't have a last name, silly.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
What illness kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
Mole-onucleosis
Why was the slice of bread upset with her husband?
He told her she was being too kneady.
Dr. Phil says that I am afraid of a commitment. Do you want to prove him wrong?
How did I make the mango tree fit in my flower-pot?
I planted it.
Why did the volleyball players line up from shortest to tallest? The coach wanted the team to switch from a 5-1 line up to a 6-2.
Take off those blue suede shoes and let's shake rattle n roll!
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat his lunch?
Because he was stuffed.
What do you get if you cross a ski instructor and a vampire?
Frostbite.
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
What kind of plant generates the most energy? A power plant.”
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
What do you think of puns about deer?
“I’m very fawn’d of them myself.”
A bald man walks into the Hair Club. “I’d like to buy a hair piece if the price is right.”
Hair Club Salesperson: “Well sir, how much do you want toupee?”
If you need a mystery-solving, just call an in-vesti-gator.
What sign was posted in the witches' parking lot?
Violators will be toad.
Even Mozart couldn't make a composition as beautiful as you
My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more intercourse would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...
that I'm in the control group.
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
You are the sun that never sets on the British empire.
Why is it good to drink witch's brew?
It's very newt-tricious!
What did the bat say when she was invited to dinner?
No, fangs. I just ate.
A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...
I was sitting there quietly, eating a bag of potato chips, when my wife came in and shouted at me…
''What's wrong with you, moron!?''
Shocked, I asked, ''What?!''
''Open the bloody bag!''
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