A potato chip is something
Never ceasing to amuse.
I love it's funny wrinkles
And the crunchy way it chews.
(Anthony Gallagher)
I think you are a horror movie because I can't sleep when I think about you.
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve got 3 bags of Cool Ranch Doritos in your basket. Marry me?
You are so good at jogging, you came straight for my heart.
Why did the nut go to the bank?
To cashew its check.
Whats in a camels favorite cup of tea?
Camelmile
I think, therefore I’m single.
It was mitten in the stars.
What is a butchers favorite facial hair style?
Mutton chops.
Seven days without playing soccer can make one weak.
There was an Old Person of Dean,
Who dined on one pea and one bean;
For he said,
"More than that would make me too fat,"
That cautious Old Person of Dean.
What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance style? Hip-Hop!
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
What’s the best time to eat a peach while watching a NASCAR race? During the pit stop!
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald
People who fall sick at the airport possibly end up with terminal illness.
When the moisture from the sky stops falling
It really stops waning
If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
My leaf blower doesn’t work.
It just sucks!
John Travolta has been diagnosed with the Corona Virus.
He had chills that were multiplying.
Artists are colorful people who know how to draw on their emotions.
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
Why couldn’t Jonah trust the ocean?
Because he knew there was something fishy about it.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
I gave my heart to a girl from Great Britain.
She turns around and Brexit into a million pieces.
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
It was so hot that the bee's perm had become extremely unmanageable, so she turned into a frizzbee.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
Definition of Irony - When the Year Of The Rat starts with a plague.
What do you call a large colorful pile of leaves?
The Great Barrier Leaf.
When does a bat go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
My computer's favorite singer is A Dell.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
A seal goes into a bar and the bartender asked him,"What will it be Mr seal?"
The seal responds,"anything but a Canadian Club".
“Elves are always defending the shape of their ears. They make some good points.”
Why wasn't the hunter allowed to bring his antelope and buffalo with him on the plane?
You're only allowed one carrion.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
Why did the banana go to the Doctor? Because it was not peeling well
What do you call someone that's hungry for some cuddles?
Hugry.
This Halloween I'm gourd out of my mind!
How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.
I think you just tripped me, 'cause I just fell for you.
"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
Tne thing you won't catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.
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