“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
I came into the office early and switched as many M and N keys on keyboards as I could. Some might say I'm a monster...
But others will say nomster
Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
What do you call a flying elephant?
A jumbo jet.
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
What's the name of the funniest mountain range in the world? The Himhilarious.
Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.
What do ghosts use to wash their hair?
Shamboo.
“A little bit of summer is what the whole year is all about.”
– John Mayer
Did you hear about the blonde corn maze? It only had 1 stalk.
“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”
-Abraham Lincoln, 1973
Someone told me I looked like a salt shaker. I took it as a condiment.
“If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion." ~George Bernard Shaw
Never take a flamingo to the local swimming baths. They really don’t like claw-rine.
I take it that you are the captain of the sun.
I may be dressed as a vampire tonihgt, but if you play your cards right you might be the one sucking
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
Who's a witch's favorite movie director?
Steven Spellberg.
What did the zombie boss say to the zombie employee?
- Don’t miss the undeadline!
At the party, the vegetarian girl won’t eat the mushrooms, reason being, somebody told her that they were oyster mushrooms.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship
What did the waitress say to the customer who wanted free guacamole?
“You can kiss my Hass.“
What do you call a cup of leaf juice that doesn’t want to be a dad?
Absent-tea parent.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
Why do pigs make awful football players?
They don’t like playing with the “pig skin.”
I like my girls how I like my Covid.
19 and easily spread.
What do you call an onion that carries electromagnetic waves? A photonion.
Q. Which Greek eggplant dish do deer really eat up?
A. Moose-aka.
Did you hear about the injured vegetable? Some say he got beet.
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
Have you heard about the latest restaurant that opened up on moon?
No, how is that restaurant?
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
The expensive dog has gone missing.
However, police are saying that at least they have a lead. Once she is found they will Retriever.
Two skeletons are talking in a bar.
Skeleton 1: "Are you going to the funeral tomorrow?"
Skeleton 2: “Of corpse I am.”
I don't usually brag about my drum jokes but um...
tss
My father was a blind carpenter
until he picked up his hammer and saw.
Beauty is only pig skin deep
What do we call a flock of sheep that tumbles down a mountain? They are called a lamb-slide.
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
What kind of car do bears drive?
Fur-aris.
How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin? First, invade ze kitchen.
I asked the bartender for the WiFi password but he told me to buy a drink first. So I ordered a Moscow Mule and asked him again. He handed me a card with the password. It said:
"Buy a drink first" ... no spaces, all lowercase."
A man goes to the eye doctor.
He sits down and the receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" to which the man replies, "No, just spots."
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
I had some impure water so I boiled the hell out of it and collected the condensation...
Now it’s wholly water.
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