What do chickens call school tests?
Eggs-aminations.
What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?
First person shooter
You and I are in love
So when you laugh
I laugh
You cry, I cry
You scream, I scream
You run, I run
You smile, I smile
You jump off a bridge
I’m going to miss you.
(Unknown)
What do fish take to stay healthy?
Fish take Vitamin Sea to stay healthy!
Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine
You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell
I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you will swat
(Jan Allison)
Me: I think I'll take a dip in the pool.
Lifeguard: What ya got there?
Me: Hummus.
My sister asked me for some spider puns.
I told her to look them up on the web.
During the pandemic, all the children asked to draw pictures of the different types of grass. The children had to submit their grass-essments online.
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
What do you call two celebrities who get into a gun fight?
One is a shooting star, and the other is a falling star.
Which search engine is popular amongst mice? Ask Cheese.
Why did Tony go out with a prune? Because he couldn't find a date!
Do you know why a pineapple can be a good observer? Because it has a lot of eyes around its body.
Even the most powerful storms of Jupiter couldn’t keep me from you!
My friend built an aromatherapy vaporiser with a built-in brain scanner
Seems a bit out there, but makes scents when you think about it.
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus? Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving.
My local Italian restaurant is moving to Italy
They are moving to greener pasta.
Our relationship is like my financial status: Broke.
It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.
A sunburned murder of crows is referred to as 1st, 2nd and 3rd degree.
Baby, you're just like water ...
Except Jesus turned you into fine.
To all the people that don't cover their mouths then they cough.
You make me sick.
How do you know flowers are friendly?
They always have new buds!
Hi, I'm a fashion photographer. Would you like to be in my next photo shoot?
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
Did you hear about the koala bear in the church choir? Yeah, they say he sings bearitone.
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
There are so many jokes about classical composers I could write you a Liszt.
Walk by a girl and say "Are you looking at me? And if she says no say "Damn!" You had me at your impeccable spelling and correct use of grammar.
While I was riding my bike, there was a big tropical storm. I decided to cyclone.
Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
When Dumbo’s mom was pregnant, no one would talk about it.
It was the elephant in the womb.
What am I? A tea bag you dirty minded human...
An inspirational speaker came to speak at the fruit stand today. He told us to peach for the stars.
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
Hey baby, I just found out our shirts were manufactured in unfair working conditions; let's take them off.
I tried playing baseball in the fog today.
It was a bit hit and mist.
“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti
Birthdays are sometimes hard to observe
Many people think they are for the birds.
Well, when I look at your age
I can see why you are at that stage.
Where did the years go
Another birthday, oh no
It only seemed like yesterday
We celebrated your birthday.
Oh who cares about age
Don't let it discourage
Be happy and just say
It is just another day!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
What happens when you buy a dog from the blacksmith?
When he gets home he’ll make a bolt for the door.
Please keep your distance. I might fall for you.
I guess you could say that things hit by tornado's are blown up.
How do fish get high?
Seaweed.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug – although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty-year-old thug thought of that morning.
There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
Why do you cry, Willy?
Why do you cry?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy? Why?
Best in snow.
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