My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
What did the Jedi tell the sacred tree? May the forest be with you.
What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant.
According to the second law of thermodynamics, you’re supposed to share your hotness with me.
“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
All the peanuts decided to start a social nutwork where they would all link up for a common good and even advocate for their rights.
They say one man's trash is another man's treasure. I hope you find someone who treasures you.
Who was the fastest runner in the race?
Adam, because he was first in the human race.
“Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.”
In space, no one can hear us scream.
Where do you take a sick pony?
To the horse-pital.
Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you're at!
Up above the world you fly,
Like a teatray in the sky.
(Lewis Carroll)
"Going out with you would be my biggest break since the rural juror."
- 30 Rock
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
The yearbook superlative that Robert Lee had given in his graduation was "Most likely to secede."
Do you have any sunscreen? 'Cause you are burning me up!
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Are you on the endangered species list cause baby you are one of a kind!
In later years was the Great One in decline? Yes he was on the Wayne.
What did the deer tell his buddy before he took a test?
“Good buck!”
When was the last time you got a cute good morning text? Give me your number so we can fix that.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.
What is green and brown and crawls through the grass? A Girl Scout who has lost her cookie.
What does a couch say to another couch at the other side of the room?
We are sofa apart!
If you golf on election day…
Be sure to cast an absent-tee ballot.
I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."
And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.
What type of fish do two sodium atoms make?
2Na.
Why do you never see koalas wearing shoes? Because they love going bearfoot.
What’s the difference between a worm and pumpkin?
Have you ever tried worm pie?
How is bacon like southern Europe?
It's got a lot of Greece in it.
What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.
It’s allergy season again?! You’ve got to be pollen my leg.
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
What do you call a smartass bird of prey?
A know it owl.
Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.
Are you a locksmith? Because you have the key to my heart.
What did the cow say to his friend when they met twice in the same day? “What a cow-incidence!”
You must be peanut butter because you're making my legs feel like jelly.
What's a hen's favorite shipping company?
Federal Egg-spress.
There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish?
Swimming trunks!
No, I'm not concerned about crows infesting my house...
It's actually just a mynah problem.
Every player knows pretty well that they cannot afford to go through life without goals.
What falls all the time and never gets hurt? Rain.
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