My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?
“Lack of concentration.”
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
How does a robot eat it’s guacamole?
Microchips.
Name the subject that is most fruitiest among others. History because of it huge number of dates.
"Carbs are the answer. No matter the question."
— Unknown
It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.
What kind tree grows chickens?
Poultry.
How to cars convince you?
By telling you that ‘you Audi-believe it.’
It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!
What do you call a banana who gets all the girls?
A banana smoothie.
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow
I'm having a sale in my bedroom. My clothes are 100% off.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
Boy: Oh I can't believe that Jesus is so sweet! Girl: Well that's because He's a life saver!
Why do old artists never die? They just put things in perspective.
What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.
My Dad drove a truck for 32 years.
He was terrible with directions.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.
Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind. I don't want to spread it around
The peach was late for work because it had to make some pit stops on the way.
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Toml
Who is the Easter Bunny’s favorite movie actor? Rabbit De Niro!
What did the Japanese skeleton put in his sushi?
Bone-ito flakes.
What do you get if you cross a gold dog with a telephone?
A golden receiver.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
Who should drive home out of the two friends?
The one who is not tired.
Did you hear the joke about the elephant who was stuck in a tree last spring? To get down, she had to sit down on a branch and wait until fall.
Why can't you take a nap during a race? Because if you snooze, you loose!
How do people stop being crooks? They straighen themselves out!
“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
Why shouldn't you feed elves shellfish?
It makes them crabby!
Who is Medusa’s cheesy cousin?
Gorgon Zola
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
Why is the corn army so dysfunctional?
Cause there are too many Kernels.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana? She left him out in the sun too long.
Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
My pants might be in the wrong place but my heart is always in the right place.
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.
What is a sharks favorite kinda sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish!
How did the woman react when the doctor suggested she have a brain biopsy?
She gave him a piece of her mind.
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