Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
What do you call a stolen yam? A hot potato.
I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
When the onion band covered the song Waka Waka by Shakira, they started calling the song 'Walla Walla'.
Why didn’t Bob drink a glass of water with 8 pieces of ice in it?
It was too cubed.
What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
I have only two weaknesses resisting chocolate and resisting you.
Softball is just like baseball
Except the tactics seem more underhanded.
What do you call a man with no body and just a nose? Nobody nose.
I am an introvert, but you know how to bring me out of my shell.
An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.
You’re udder-ly perfect.
I’m considering a modulation… Because I want to come up to your level
Did you know the Mississippi River is a girl?
If it was a guy it would be the misterssippi River.
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
You're like my favourite chocolate bar - half sweet and half nuts!
I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.
Sadly, there was no plaque on it.
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
What movie perfectly describes the corona virus?
No country for old men.
What do you call a panda who’s lost his dinner?
Bamboozled.
My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "
What does a Greek God say when they answer the phone?
"Whodisious?"
The only crime I will ever commit is stealing your heart.
Prisoner: "I’m sorry I tried to escape."
Guard: "I’m not mad, just… disappointed."
Remember, kids, never let your guard down.
The fruit politician is losing its support in the country because of hate peach.
What do bees chew?
Bubmble gum.
You're about half as likely to die from a vegetable pun as you artichoke.
People need to be careful about computers at all times because they byte.
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
What’s the difference between a gross bus stop and a crab with large breasts?
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
I'm a supervillain from Italy, I have the power to infect people with deadly diseases.
It’s-a-me, Malario.
Chuck Norris can only have Chuck Norris as babies.
Because all of his genes are dominant.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a Martian?
An eggs-traterrestrial.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your doorstep? Matt. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Bob.
There was an Old Man at a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!'
He replied, 'Not at all!'
That incipient Old Man at a casement.
What is the wealthiest nut ever?
“A cashooo.”
If you think I’m hot now, wait until you see what I turn into at midnight.
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
Did you get a hair cut?
No, I got them all cut.
What is a lion’s favorite cheese?
Roarquefort.
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
An astronaut who normally fails on a weightlessness experiment, might surely be aware of the gravity of the situation.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Q: Why did the cherry stop in the middle of the road?
A: It ran out of juice.
Are you a classic? Because my love for you is timeless.
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