“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
Let's boomerbang!
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
The shark and the computer are so alike. They both have and use their megabytes.
Mooning is very ASStrological
What do you need to know to teach a dinosaur tricks? More than the dinosaur.
Whenever fall arrives, leaves start changing their color autumn-matically.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
Excuse me, I think I'm lost. Is this the bar or the musem? You're just a piece of art.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
I am.
I am who?
You mean you don’t know who you are?
A truck carrying Lego got into an accident on the motorway. No one knows what happened; the authorities are still trying to piece everything together.
I’m an astronaut and my next mission is to explore Uranus.
Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?
Because they're in-bred.
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
What do you call a sleeping pizza?
A piZZZZZZa.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?
Did you get those pants on sale? (Why?) Because at my house they would be 100% off!
I think we'd grow a great organic garden together.
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.
I met this really beautiful crustacean, but I lobst her number.
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
I'm reading a book called "The Yellow River"
It's written by I.P. Freely
Where are werewolf movies made?
Howl-lywood.
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
My wife made gluten free, carb free, salt free spaghetti last night
It was not real food, it was an impasta.
What kind of key has no lock?
A turkey.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
If I was a planet and you, my moon! I’d stop spinning just by looking at you.
Ice simply love it when it snows!
If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and leave, it could spell disaster.
What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
If I’d give you eleven roses, what would you see in the mirror? A dozen roses.
If you see a deer without antlers acting crazy, don’t eat it without cooking it first.
Everyone knows you can’t eat raw kooky doe.
Inviting cherries over for a drinks party is easy. Simply start your invitation with “You are cordially invited…”
You should never give milk to someone who is open minded and hasn't yet had breakfast. They're lack-toast and tolerant.
When it started raining, I spotted a potato across the road pretty fast and I wondered what’s up? It wasn’t long before I saw a fork up ahead.
"My idea of camping is falling asleep on the couch with the window open."
- Clarke Kant
Are you a flower? Because I'd love it if you planted one on me.
I had gradient expectations on him of being a good artist, but it was all in vain!
If vampires can't see
Their own reflection
In a mirror or anything else
That's shiny
Then the thing I
Have always wondered is
How do they manage
To keep their hair tidy?
- Paul Curtis
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
The perfect name for a pig that plays basketball is a ball hog.
What were the ponies most excited for in the meal?
The main horse.
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