I punched my monitor and now my hand really hertz.
I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.
Why did some of the elves spell Christmas as N-O-E? Because Santa said No L!
What do the ducks have for dinner? They have Quackers and soup.
What did one cactus say to the other cactus ?
"Lookin sharp !"
I wanna grow old together. I will stay with you even after I'm sixty-four!
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
I came, I thaw, I conquered.
If you shave your legs as well as that fennel, I can't wait to touch them.
When I log my run in my journal today, it will say I ran with my future wife today.
I dropped my computer on my foot.
It mega-hurts.
What’s the freshest herb you can find in April?
Spring-thyme!
Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
I'd want to know why the winters are so cold in America. I think Alaska local.
What did the rainwater say as it ran off the road.
Grate.
Why are volleyball players always so blameless? They always pass the blame and try to avoid faults.
Are you an alien? Because I believe you’ve abducted my heart.
If you don't focus on learning your lines for the production, I shutter to imagine what the reviewers will snap about.
Aren't you tired? Because you've been galloping through my mind all evening.
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
Apples are red. Grapes are blue. Pineapples are sweet. And so are you.
Do you know what Tinkerbell's tooshie is called?
A fairy tale.
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
What is a dog’s favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas.
What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch.
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
I love you from my head tomato
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
What do dogs say when something cool happens?
Paw-some.
Why do worms hate graveyards?
They keep bumping into skeletons!
What do you call a Blind Dinosaur's Dog? Do-ya-think-he-saurus-rex.
A coworker said, "Oh my gosh there's a mouse on your desk!"
To which, I replied "I know! And it's not working!"
Why was the burger sad? Because he had the blue cheese.
What do you call a funny parrot spoof
A parody
Coming to theaters: the thrilling tale of a man who ate biographical books instead of turkey on Thanksgiving.
Baste on a true story.
my nose starts bleeding at eleven every night
but I’ve seen stranger things.
A man went to the gym today and met up with his new personal rainer.
My daughter was just complaining about washing dishes by hand
I told her, “well... it’s better than washing them by foot.”
What kind of helmet does a hermit crab wear?
A shell-met!
I bet you’re really flexible.
Which building do vampires always visit when in New York?
The Vampire State Building.
What is the left side of an apple? The part that you don't eat.
You must be marked Prestissimo… because you’re dashing.
I'm coming out of the closet to tell everyone I was just hired as a seamstress for the theatre.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
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