That wide loaf has a decent bread-th. Nice.
Wanna hear a joke about a staccato?
Never mind, it’s too short.
What did Neil Armstrong say when people didn't laugh at his moon jokes?
"I guess you had to be there."
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.
What is a cat’s favorite type of bird? An e-mew!
Who was the fastest runner in the race?
Adam, because he was first in the human race.
Six sleek swans swam swiftly southwards.
What’s the difference between a gross bus stop and a crab with large breasts?
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
What did mother werewolf say to the naughty boy werewolf?
- We're werewolves, not swear-wolves.
What do ghouls and goblins put on their nachos?
Ghost peppers.
What do you get for diving into a wave of oranges.
Vitamin Sea.
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
What did the baseball glove say to the ball?
Catch ya later.
I can out here for an easy run, but you make my heart do speed work
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
Did you just hit me with a pitch? I'm feeling faint.
Ariel spent the weekend alone because she was feeling a little crabby.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
What did the coffees say before their night out? Let's stir up some trouble.
Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
One-one was a race horse. Two-two was one too. One-one won one race. Two-two won one too.
Is your body from McDonald's? Cause I'm lovin' it!
Hmm, there seems to be a kiss of mint in this blend. How about a real kiss, just to be sure?
Why wouldn’t the papa bear use a navigation system in his truck?
Because he never lost his bearings.
Why are leaves always getting into risky business? They keep having to go out on a limb.
Did you know the Mississippi River is a girl?
If it was a guy it would be the misterssippi River.
Join me today, because I am in it for the long run when it comes to love.
What’s a dog’s favorite breakfast?
Woofles.
Why did the spy cross the road?
Because he was never on your side.
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
Did you hear about the broadcasters in the aeroplane?
They're on air now
I’ve got a great idea for an automatic orange peeling machine I hope it bares fruit.
College-age vampires only ever shop in one place - Forever 21.
Who has the best place on a sailing ship?
The mast, because it has the pole-position.
My love for you is like cancer, it just keeps growing and growing.
Who’s a llama’s favorite U.S. president?
Barack Ollama.
The sun replies: I hurt everyone when they come close to me.
I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”
Why is Facebook like jail? You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you really don't know.
What do you call a cup of leaf juice that doesn’t want to be a dad?
Absent-tea parent.
Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.
Did you hear about the new Smashing Pumpkins cover band?
They call themselves Squished Squash!
A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.
He immediately raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"
Did you hear about the gnome city that doesn’t let humans through the gates? They call it Gno-man’s-land.
What do you call a guitar used to play pool?
A cue stick.
What killed the painter? He had too many strokes.
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