Why did Jesus ask Judas to crave the turkey?
Beause he knows he likes stabbing others in the back.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.
That's how I lost my teaching license.
I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve got 3 bags of Cool Ranch Doritos in your basket. Marry me?
What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
Are you a mosquito? ‘Cause I’m a sucker for you.
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
The goal nine yards
When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"
- Gail DeBole
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
What’s orange with bad hair and hears ‘boo’ a lot?
A haunted pumpkin with a wig.
For a fatty, you don't seem to sweat much.
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
The Montreal baseball team relocated to Tampa after being purchased by the
Exposito bros.
I'm so glad our Billy inherited his mother's intelligence
...and I got to keep mine.
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
A dyslexic witch cursed me!
Now everything I touch turns to glod, an increasingly disgruntled gnome.
What do you call a rich goblin?
GOBLING.
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications.
What does a dolphin say when he’s confused?
Can you please be more Pacific?
I would say that life for the majority of people in the middle ages was rather peasant.
Can you tell me the oxidation state of this atom? If you can’t, then you can tell me your phone number instead?
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
Will you Scarlett me take you out this weekend?
Llama know if you don’t like these puns and alpaca my suitcase and leave!
Changed my password to fortnight but apparently that's two week.
Flamingos are pretty good at ideas… They have a lot of experience with formation.
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
Can a fencing champion born in France, but raised in the U.S. represent either country in the olympics?
Yes. Because they have duel citizenship.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
Why is a baby showing the top of its head during labor a significant event?
Because that’s the baby’s crowning achievement.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
My dad used to be an airline pilot, but he decided to retire because it got too Boe-ing.
Let's play a game called TV, I turn your knobs and you watch my antennae rise.
What do you call cheese who attends art openings?
Cultured.
Where do cows go on December 31st?
A moo year’s eve party.
What did the llama say when the other llama asked if they wanted to go on holiday?
Alpaca suitcase.
What’s Austrian and took over France?
Croissants.
Are you an Advil? Cause I'd like to take you every 2-4 hours.
"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby
How many ears does Spok have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear and The Final Frontier.
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.
I asked my nectarine friend how she was doing after her break up and she said 'It's the pits, man.'
What is a witch's favorite makeup?
A ma-scare-a.
What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?
CSI.
What do you call a kangaroo sanctuary?
A kazoo.
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
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