“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
A friend of mine told me he’d give me a radio that had no batteries. I think it’s a wind-up.
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure
A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"
What do donuts think about donut puns? They donut like them!
A lump of red leather, a red leather lump.
I can’t believe such a perfect match could Alexis-t
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
My brother, who is an IT guy, got surgery done on his fingers. Now he can truly be called a tech-knuckle support guy.
What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
Did you hear about the Elf booted from the chorus?
He couldn't Fa-la-la-la-long.
What do you call an elephant with rotors?
A Nellie-copter.
Did you hear about the new holistic elf doctor?
He's a gnome-opath!
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby!
Did the Lord take the thunder from the skies, and put it in your thighs?
It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.
Mistakes happen.
No need to terrier-self up about it.
You're so beautiful, even the leaves fall for you.
“Dear Mondays, I really think that you should take a holiday. Believe me, no one will even miss you.”
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a poison frog?
A croakadile.
"Roses are red, Violets are blue. Garbage is dumped, now so are you."
What do you call a Pig with three eyes?
Piiig.
How did the skeleton know the other skeleton was lying?
He could see right through him.
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw
I less than three you.
Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?
Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.
Check your shelf before you wreck your shelf.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
Why did the parrot cross the road? Just beak-ause!
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
Are you into hockey? That's great because I'd like to score.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter be quick, I have to go to the bathroom!
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.
When I look into the Mirror of Erised, I see you giving me your number.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off."
I love you from my head tomatoes.
What happens when you cross a cell phone with a skunk?
You get stinky service!
Why can't you take a turkey to church? They use FOWL language.
What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”
My mother told me to leave the peach cobbler alone on the table. But I couldn't help but watch the cobbler make the beautiful peach shoes.
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a pot. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
We are perfect balance for each other.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
Why don’t quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage?
Because they produce audible groans!
Which day do fish hate the most?
Fry-day.
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