“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
What type of football player is the biggest drug addict?
The lineman.
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.
I got my COVID-19 vaccine from a "doctor" who approached me in a downtown alley after midnight, offering it for $50 cash.
It was a shot in the dark, but I took it.
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
Daughter: I think I'm going to put my hair in a bun tomorrow.
Dad: We're all out. You'll have to use bread.
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris CAN touch this.
What should you drink before you workout? Sweat-Tea.
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
Why are leaves always getting into risky business? They keep having to go out on a limb.
I accidentally mixed up the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' online.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
The moto of their school bowling team was ‘let’s knock em down’.
What a pun's dream job?
To be an acu-pun-cturist!
I have a friend who has been diagnosed with a phobia of sausages. She always fears the wurst.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
Two kittens on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
My printer just told me it was joining a band.
Makes sense since it lives to jam.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
Q: What happened to the peach who went to meet the knife?
A: He came back in many peaches.
What mouse was a Roman emperor? Julius Cheeser!
Where does a camel go after he's eaten his main course? He walks straight to the desert trolley.
Are you wearing space pants? Because your a** is out of this world.
An army of werewolves is known as a Fur-eign Legion.
Some call them opponents. We call them victims. It sounds like you have the right mindset to succeed on the court!
Dialysis is a blood bath.
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted
What did the river ask the beaver? "Water you doing today?"
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
Why can't the bankrupt Hindu complain? He's got no beef.
Big black bugs bleed blue black blood but baby black bugs bleed blue blood.
There was an Old Man of Kamschatka,
Who possessed a remarkable fat cur;
His gait and his waddle
Were held as a model
To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka.
What’s Irish and stays outside all year?
Patty O’Furniture
Why did the daddy rabbit go to the barber?
He had a lot of little hares.
What's the slogan for the New York Demon Chomping Advocacy Group?
Gobble the ghoul.
We make a great pear
It’s so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp post.
What did the grilled cheese sandwich say to their date?
“You make me melt.”
Why did the chicken run across the road?
To get to the other side faster.
Baby, you've bought yourself a cruise on the Love Boat. I'll be your captain.
Did you hear about the cheese lover who took his girlfriend for granted?
How dairy.
I studied archeology
Now my life is in ruins.
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
Why did the elephant start the stampede?
Because it wanted to be herd.
What is the poshest breed of dog?
A Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
The stage is the most hygienic place in the world. Every time we turn on the lights they get a wash.
Where can you find a bunch of clowns who deserve to be in jail? Silly Con Valley.
Did you hear the little loaves playing hide-and-seek earlier? They kept yelling, “Bready or not, here I come!”
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