When the farmer died, all his chickens were sold to the highest bidder.
They would have preferred to stay on the farm, but auctions speak louder than birds.
I can't get my wife to try Mediterranean food.
She doesn't like hummus, which is a naan-starter.
How much does an elephant skeleton weigh?
Skele-tons.
I’ve been looking for you, and I hope you’re as sweet as jelly beans.
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English
What do you give a sick penguin?
Tweetment.
A bit late but here goes anyway: what do you call the elf who checks Santa's grammar?
A subordinate claus!
What did the maggot say to another?
What's a nice maggot like you doing in a joint like this?
What’s a goat’s favorite drink?
Goat-arade.
Why was the ocean angry? Because the ocean didn't wave back.
Once upon a time I was accidentally made a priest.
It was a clerical error.
There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'
If there were ten cats in a boat and one jumped out, how many would be left? None, because they were all copycats!
Who’s a llama’s favorite pop singer?
Llama Del Ray.
It’s time to think outside the pizza box.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
As the birds fly south
I make reservations to
Go to Florida.
What is a dinosaurs least favorite reindeer? Comet.
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
I like your wart, want to see a few of mine?
What's a pun's favorite movie?
It's a Punderful Life!
“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder.
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I really messed up
Now what can I do?
I followed my heart to you.
What happens to Germans when they eat too many lemons?
They become sour krauts.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
How about the most dangerous mountain in the world? Kill-a-man-jaro.
"Your kisses are to dye for."
I have these chicken n_ggets. Now all I need is U!
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
What is the car dealership in Star Wars called?
The Mazda-lorian
Do you know what I did last night? I looked up at the stars, and matched each one with a reason why I love you.
What do you call a crazy blood-sucking parasite?
A lunatick!
What kind of tree does a chicken come from?
A poul-tree.
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
Whenever I saw the beautiful smile on your face, my heart jumps like a happy little kangaroo.
Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"
A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist
It died on my watch.
What do you say to an astronaut looking for a car park
There's a spaceman.
Q: How do you make a blueberry?
A: You strangle a pea.
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
I've just been sacked from my job as a prophet..
I didn't see that coming.
Why are people in big cities in Spain always dry?
Because the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.
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