THE KRAKEN: Yes, I'd like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Well, you have to hand it to relay runners, don't you?
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
What did the lion say to his cubs when he was first teaching them how to hunt? Don’t cross the road until you see the zebra crossing!
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes.
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
Can birds sell cereal to children?
I don't know if one can, but toucan.
What does a cheese lover say when someone keeps messing around with them?
“You gouda brie kidding!”
You’re just like how I like my potatoes — sweet.
I was milking a cow and a fly flew in its ear.
I thought, that’s weird, I just kept milking. A while later, the same fly showed up in the milk bucket. I guess that’s what they say: in one ear, out the udder.
What is the baby vampire's least favorite fast food establishment?
Stake n shake!
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
I've never made an incomplete pass, and I hope you won't be my first.
Why do snowmen always get injured when playing sports?
Because they refuse to warm up!
My cat just cut the grass.
She's a lawn meower.
I had a dream that I was a mechanic who fixed wrecked cars.
It was an auto body experience.
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
What is one way to save money when you go to the lake?
Buy a “sale boat.”
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
Why is the giant afraid of Jack?
Because Jack's beanstalking him.
This Halloween I'm gourd out of my mind!
Why do cats not laugh at jokes? They take things too litter-ally.
She has high elf-esteem.
Hey, baby. I'm calling myself Han because you need to be Solo.
What do the ducks have for dinner? They have Quackers and soup.
I really hate rock puns.
My sediments exactly.
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.
Where do boats go when they get sick? The dock
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
Although knights were considered protectors of the realm, they sometimes did get involved in the politics of their time. This was because the knights followed knight-wing politics.
How did the astronaut die?
exposure to Mercury.
Will you, William? Will you, William? Will you, William?
Can't you, don't you, won't you, William?
I can score from multiple positions.
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
What kind of celebration pays down the national debt? A tea party.
An Native American drank 100 cups of tea.
Next day they found him dead in his tea pee.
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
I got arrested because I left my car at the bar and took the bus home.
It turned out I was in no condition to drive that either.
When the chef asked me how I would like my soup, I said "I would like minestrone".
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
A lion would never play golf.
But a Tiger Wood.
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