Scientists have recently discovered a rare new element called Beautium. It looks like you are made of it.
“Oh, deer! Christmas is here!”
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
Physics student asks to go to bathroom.
Professor asks "Liquid, Solid or Gas?"
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,
Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?
What did the policeman say to his tummy?
Freeze. You’re under a vest.
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
What did the mama elf say to her mischievous child?
“Stop elvesdropping on Santa!”
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
Hey girl my heart is anywhere you are.
Are you Australia? Cause your geographical location is hot.
You look like a bowl of ice cream, I just want to spoon you.
What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.
Blackboards love drinking beverages, especially hot white chalk-olate!
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
What did the parmesan say when it broke up with the mozzarella?
Sorry but I am too mature for you.
What did the Mexican wrestler say after he ate a taco that was too spicy?
“It’s okay, I’ll just guac it off”
Why do sharks swim in salt water?
If they swam in pepper water they would sneeze.
"Will you accept this rosé?"
I dropped a ball in
your lap
It's time to play
I just put a ball
in your lap
So it's time to play
See that ball
I placed in your lap?
That means it's
time to play
You can have your
emergency appendectomy
Any other day
But I dropped a ball
in your lap
And now it's time to play
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.
What do you say to an avocado who’s done a good job?
“Bravocado!”
What do you call half of a centaur?
A per-centaur.
Q. Whay aren't gorillas afraid of zombies?
A. Because the ape-ocalypse doesn't frighten them.
An blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
Do you know what firemen often add to their soup? – They add firecrackers.
Charlotte, would you char-let me rock your world?
What is a cat’s favorite dessert? Chocolate mouse!
I went to an English camping party with some vegetables. We stayed in a tea-pea.
Why had the beaver left the pond? He thought it was too shallow.
What did the Soup Nazi say to the canine? What Soup Dawg.
Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.
'I've lost five dollars,' sobbed Johnny.
'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.'
Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever.
'Now what is it ?' asked his dad.
'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten dollars!'
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
What did the egg do when it saw the frying pan?
It scrambled.
"Private! I didn't see you at camouflage practice today!"
"Thank you sir!"
What do you say when you catch a bee?
Behold!
This corn is a little rough to the touch. Looks like a job for Kernel Sanders.
A vampire broke up with his girlfriend when she had a blood test. He told her she wasn't his type.
The innocent blueberry got easily framed for the crime because the evidence was a strawberry plant.
What activity should you do when you’re babysitting little cheeses?
Build a roquefort.
I saw a pig with laryngitis.
He was disgruntled.
Why did the computer parts salesman quit?
He lost his drive.
The only thing hotter than your body is the sun.
I lost my cat in a snowstorm!
But he should be fine because he's a cool cat.
Why did the koala bear eat so much eucalyptus? He simply couldn’t leaf it alone.
You know you're just like the sun, your beauty is blinding.
Q: Why do the tiger not attack the farm?
A: He was a little bit sheepish.
Did you hear about the bank that wanted to put an ATM up a tree? If it works, they are going to expand the idea to other branches.
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